random acts

so i've decided to do something nice for someone every day for the rest of the year

...hopefully, this will stick and i'll keep doing it for...ever.

today, i took all the garbages out for everyone in my building. usually the guy who lives upstairs does it when he leaves for work at 3am. i hope he's pleasantly surprised when he leaves today and sees the trash on the curb!

yesterday i stopped what i was doing and asked someone if they wanted a ride because i realized we were going to the same place and i was passing right by their street.

on sunday i brought munchkins to a meeting i was going to.

on monday i didn't yell at someone when they were mocking my theory of needing just one person to be able to make a difference in a childs life....... yeah, that counts. i really wanted to tell him he was a bitter, jaded, mean guy, and should just stf up. soooo that counts.

why am i telling you these things? not because i want credit for doing them, that would negate the whole point of doing them. I'm telling you so maybe you'll see that a random act of kindness doesn't need to be some big giant spectacle, but really something small and simple.

tis the season loves! (but really, it wouldn't kill us to be a little kinder, every single day.)

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

xo

..the absence of hope

Source: 2.bp.blogspot.com via Amanda on Pinterest

let's talk about something..depression.

it's something i've struggled with the last few years. it's not something im particularly ashamed of, but it's not something i talk about publicly either.

off and on it's hit me pretty much since i turned twenty. for one reason or another something set me off, and every day it's a struggle for me to not let myself fall down the rabbit hole all over again. a few years back, a little less than two actually, i was pretty close to falling off the deep end.
something awful (awful for me at least) happened and it just threw me off.

i couldn't sleep so i stayed awake all night. i slept all day. i never wanted to leave my house, go to school, i'm pretty sure i was useless at work, i couldn't focus on anything except how totally shattered i felt inside.

some of my friends figured it out and called me, texted me, came to see me as often as they could. others went on with their lives, either not caring about what was happening to me, or trying to work through their own lives without the available time to focus on mine.

i don't blame them. pretty soon even i was tired of myself.

i remember the day i chose to pull myself out of the dark hole of despair i had let myself fall into.

it was september 28th, 2010.

i had spent the weekend away surrounded by my best friends, but i felt totally and completely alone.

i cried so hard driving back home that i had to pull over more than once, so blinded by my tears i couldn't see the steering wheel in front of me, let alone the highway.

so that tuesday, after i didn't go to school for the millionth time, because i was just so miserable, after a day spent on the sofa alternating between crying and sleeping, after a phone call that really just showed me how little i had let myself matter to someone else...i prayed.

for the first time im my entire life, i willingly, and on my own went to my church, the church i grew up going to, and i prayed.

so there i was, alone in a pew, in my empty church and i prayed.

i prayed to god, and i prayed to st jude.

i prayed to be healed, i prayed for direction, i prayed for a sign to give me some hope. i prayed to be healed. i repeated my prayer over and over and over again. i'm not sure how long i sat there, but for the first time in a long time i felt peace come over me. i asked that a candle be lit for me during the next service, in hopes that the faith of others would help heal my soul. to help me find peace and hope inside my mind that felt empty and never ending.

i'm not sure i ever believed in the power of faith before that day.

i'm not sure i believe in it now either.

what i do know, though, is that that time i spent alone in my pew, healed me.

not 100%, not immediately, not completely, but just enough that i knew i would make it. through that night, the next one, and the one after that.

and that's all i really needed. just a push to help put myself back together.

so that's what i did.

now i'm not saying im totally okay these days. maybe one day i'll go get a professional opinion on it, maybe one day i'll need something else to help me on the days i feel dark, but for now i'll just wait it out, try to work it out on my own.

every so often i feel that emptiness creeping its way back out of whatever part of my soul it lives in.

just yesterday i spent the day with a total feeling of despair surrounding me, making me unable to work, unable to talk to anyone, leaving me completely exhausted and yet unable to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. it comes back every so often depending i guess on what's going on in my life at the moment, and it slithers it's way into all aspects of my life. it immobilizes me. it makes me unable to see all the good in my life and leaves me feeling that i have done nothing right in all the choices I've made. it confuses me. and leaves me feeling all alone in the world, when i know in my heart i'm really not.

i guess my point here is this...if you are someone who sometimes finds themselves struggling with, well just about anything, realize you're not alone. there's nothing wrong with you. you don't have to say you're fine when you're not, or pretend to be completely happy just because everyone expects you to be.

it's ok. you're ok.

all you have to do is not give up and the rest will figure itself out.

and if you need someone to be there, to listen to you, to help you find a glimmer of hope on a dark day, i'm here.

Source: borntomakeanimpact.tumblr.com via Sarah on Pinterest

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

xo

Sarah

notsosecret,secret

hey, wanna know a secret?

i want a boyfriend.

ok, to be more specific, i want someone to share my life with. to snuggle up with me and reach things high up on the shelf. someone who is going to check behind the shower curtain, and help carry my groceries in. someone who would've kept me company in the hospital last week, and driven me to the er at 3am. someone to sit down and have dinner with, and catch up on our days. someone to hold my hand.

the truth is, i really am happy with how my life is turning out right now. things seem to be falling into place.

but it would be something even slightly better to have someone to share it with.

but, looking around at my life, looking back at the where i was a year ago or even two years ago...mentally, emotionally...

i'm really okay. and what more can i ask for?

Source: Uploaded by user via Sarah on Pinterest

xo

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

i'll spread my wings and i'll learn how to fly

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

It's moving day, it's moving day!!! After a slight change of plans in which I was supposed to move yesterday, I'm moving today!

i'm a whole mix of emotions, but that's to be expected. i'm worried, excited, sad, happy, unsure, intrigued....tons of things.  i don't know what will happen from here on out, but it's a chance im taking. and i wouldn't be able to take it if it wasnt for the three people who know me best and who i will miss the most...so here is my open letter to them:

Dear Moommy,

I love you. I know you're worried that I'm going to be sitting alone eating dinner. I know you're afraid about me getting sick and being too far away from you. I know you seem to think i am moving to antartica and will not survive the cold weather (that is not so unlike the one i am leaving). I know you are worried about me not using all my potential, that I don't believe in myself enough, that I don't give myself enough credit and don't want me working waiting on tables just to get by. I promise I will be ok. I promise I'll call you and I won't get annoyed when you send me bbm messages filled with all sorts of smiley faces. I actually get a kick out of it when you do. They make me giggle, no matter what I'm doing. I know you wish I could live with you forever, but we both know I had to go sooner or later. You've given me so much, it's about time I go and go do something to deserve it all. I will miss you trying to high five me or give me a fist pump when you crack yourself up at dinner, I will miss you taking care of me when im sick, and even will miss you coming into my room and offering to help me clean up the chaos i like to live in, or wanting to shop around in my stuff to see what you can use. I know you're worried Moommy, but you don't have to be (but I also know telling you you don't have to be is silly, because you wouldn't be you if you didn't worry about me) You taught me how to be a take charge kind of lady moommy, how to not let being a little lady let people take advantage of me, how to work hard, and make a difference in the world. because that's what you do moomy. and I want to be just like you when i grow up, because youre my hero. You work hard for us, and it's time for me to do the same. I know you're proud of me moomy, but it's time i start being proud of myself too. don't worry moomy, i'm just a short drive away, and you know I can't stay away from home for too long. i miss you already.

love,
sarita


Dear Daddy,

I love you. I know you're worried too, even though you haven't said it. I think it's because you know i'll be brave, and probably because you know this is a lesson i'll have to learn on my own. Even though i'll never really be on my own will i?  because I can always count on you to help me when i need it. You listen when i need to talk and you don't judge me. you tell me your secrets because you know i'll keep them. i'll miss sitting quietly at the table with you reading the paper, and getting in each others way in the kitchen. ill have to buy the paper and do the crosswords on my own, but ill probably end up calling you for the clues that stump me since you always seem to know the answer, kind of like you do for every other question i ever have. I'm gonna get it together daddy, im going to figure out a budget and save my money. it's about time for it. i count on you for everything, but i have to learn to do it on my own. it's way past time for it, and i'm lucky you've let me have this long to figure it out. when you were my age you lived a whole lifetime of things i can't even imagine having to do, and i'm lucky for all the things you've given me. one of my most favorite days with you was when we flew to miami to tour that awful campus, ditched in the middle of the tour to go eat, and then spent the rest of the day at the beach swimming in our clothes because we didnt pack..well anything especially not bathing suits, and then we flew back home slightly soggy. when i couldn't sleep and moved to the living room last night because i didnt feel well, i cried all night after you tucked me in. i may be a grown up, but im still really just a little girl who loves her daddy. i promise i'll still talk to you twenty times a day, i'll never be too busy for that. i miss you already. you're my hero too.

love,
your little palomita

Dear Binkaroo,

i love you. I wish we could live together forever, but you already shot down my plan to live next door to each other and build an underground tunnel to connect our houses. you can come visit me whenever you want, even though you think youre only going to see me on holidays. you're my best friend, what will i do without you around every single second? who will watch tv with me and ask me a hundred questions about the shows i watch and then make fun of them the whole time? i'm sorry i'm leaving you to handle dinner time questions on your own, but be patient with mom and dad, they love you so much-- they just want to spend time with you and stay a part of your life, even if they do make you crazy when they're asking a hundred questions. keep working hard in school, but don't stress yourself out so much over it, youre the smarty pants and you know you'll do well no matter what. be careful in the choices you make, and be good and kind like the binkaroo i love. keep your good friends close and always remember how valuable it is to have them when things get tough. don't forget you have me too. leaving you is probably the hardest for me, because I worry you'll forget about me, and won't talk to me so much when i'm not close by. we can still talk every single day and send lots of funny madeup bbmfaces to each other. you can let moomy and daddy read my blog now, they'd probably like it if you showed them how to see it. you're the first friend i ever had and my hero. and i miss you already.

love,
sissy

you three are my most favorite people in the world, and i wish we could stay together forever. i know things will be different now, but we're still a family and im grateful for you,

 and love you every single day.

Source: beyondtherack.com via Denise on Pinterest

ok, sadfaces, sadfaces, i made myself cry writing this one, so off i go.

wish me luck lovebugs, i'm headed off on my adventure. my posts may be here and there until i get my internet situation figured out...but stay tuned to see how my adventure turns out :)

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

you are never too old...

ok. i just applied for something that i really, really, really want to work out.

i can't talk about it because i'm afraid i'll jinx it...

but wish me luck, send positive thoughts my way, and add me to your prayers that this will work out for me.

i'd really love that.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams,

Sarah

i believe...

I believe in love, loyalty, kindness and honor. I believe in being faithful to the person you say you love. I believe in karma and paying it forward. I believe in figuring out your own self worth instead of relying on someone else to figure it out for you. I believe in changing as you grow and growing as you change. I believe that not everyone is born knowing what they want to do for the rest of their lives, and being a free spirit is just fine. I believe in falling in love, often and every day if you can, not just with another person but with yourself as well. I believe in saying please, hello and thank you. I believe that a kind word can change a persons life. I believe that being miserable takes as much energy as being happy. I believe in being a decent person. I believe that I don't need to be casual about my love or my body just to make someone want to be with me. Am I perfect? Not even a little bit. But at least I can look at myself in the mirror everyday and not hate who's looking back at me.

be brave loves,