sh*t my family says aka if only we had our own sitcom

i wish all of you that haven't had the pleasure of meeting my family, really could.

you'd probably really love them, most people do.

my dad is the most interesting man in the world and cooks like he's on iron chef 24/7.

my mom is on a never ending mission to find me a husband/convince me to be a doctor-lawyer-comedian-resturanture-teacher/and an expert on how to get anywhere on the subway.

my brother is the bmoc, every single place he walks into. he's a movie star. and strategically claimed his spot at the dinner table because he can check himself out in the mirror that hangs directly across from his seat while sitting there. he won't even be the slightest bit embarassed by my telling you all that.

anyway, a lot of the time i feel like we're a running comedy routine in our house.

if we were a tv sitcom, people would definitely watch us.

my dad would absolutely get his own spin off.

let me share some of the gems that have happened around here lately:

" i always wanted to be a body builder" -dad

" really? but you never work out, why don't you go with andrew?" -me

" i've been to the gym once in my whole life, and that was to sign you up" -dad

" you never get up early for anything important" - dad
" ill get up for my free tote, im a sucker for free stuff!"- me
" it's not free if youre spending my money so you can get it" - dad
" but i get tons of new underwear that say obnoxious things on the butt!! who doesn't need more underwear that say obnoxious things on them?! you never know who might see them!!!" -me
"......................................................ok sarah." -dad

Watching tool academy at 5am with andrew giving a running commentary and talking back to the people on the show

"really? That's what they're saying in front of the mirror? I'd say damn I'm handsome, why am I on this show?"

" What's up with this therapist dressed up like a stripper"

"What up jdaddy, bet your girlfriend works at g club, I'm gonna go hit her up"
"why do you watch this show?"

"sarah would you meet someone if i introduced you to them?" - mom
"well if you were introducing her, she wouldn't have a choice" -dad
"well i have a friend and we want to set you up with her son. he's perfect for you! he's a lawyer, and has a house, and is really cute, and is almost thirty i think!"- mom
"that's great mom, sure i'll meet him"- me
"really?! you will! he lives in texas though...and i think he has a girlfriend, so maybe i won't introduce you...that probably wouldn't work out"- mom

 "look how big my pants are on me, theyre sagging off! " -andrew
 "maybe it's because you're rapping your ass off" -me

"It's the only way I can get onto facebook-if they're taking a picture of food or of someone else!" -dad in response to me taking this picture of the bread pudding i made:
:

"I want to go ask the jerk squad to fix it, that's what they're called right?"-dad
 "Do you mean the geek squad dad?" -me
"Ohhh right that's what it is!" -dad

"i just wanted to know if you're going to bring someone home with you tonight, so i can distract mom when you get here" - dad
"no dad, i will be going home alone, but thanks for the faith in me" -me
" well, just try a little harder then" -dad

My mom is telling a random rambling story at dinner and andrew bbms me from the seat next to me "cool story bro"

My mom is killing 2 birds with 1 stone: finding me a job and a man:
 mom:"sarah look you should go teach in argentina! Look how handsome the men are!"
 dad: "argentina?! No the handsome men are in uruguay, look at me, its true!"

why you havent liked my fb status yet i dont know, but I'm funny" -andrew

no its not a small! i got it in the hispanic section at walmart! it says 'ese' for hombresss!"- andrew

"you look really pretty today. i mean except your hair is too dark and i don't like it. but besides that, you look pretty" -dad

my dad before he left to visit my brother in law on his return cruise aboard a navy ship:
"im going to bring you back a boyfriend! i'm going to advertise on the ship:
{pretty girl looking for her first mate!}
 this is a great idea!"  -dad

after i extended my 3 day visit at my sisters house into a week and a half,
as posted on my fb by my brother:
"why did you buy all these cake mixes? we don't need any of these"-dad
"because Sarah likes to bake"-andrew
 "Sarah doesn't live here anymore."-dad
" {walkway being built to your window.eviction notice served}"



{looking at a picture of me when i was six:}
"you used to be so pretty"- mom
"yeah, now im just ugly" -me
" yeah now youre ugly. you should wear some heels, and stop doing that scrunching thing to your hair. if you're going to keep doing that, atleast wear it straight i like it better...oh, can you do my hair for me later?" -mom
"sure mom, after such a backhanded compliment like that, why not." -me

and some that happen outside our house, but are still equally funny:

"What's it like being a ginger and knowing you don't have a soul?" -andrew
"You're just jealous"- red head girl
"Jealous? That I have amazing black hair and I'm going to heaven and have a soul and god given talent?" - andrew

"Don't laugh we're in love"- random girl
"I don't fall in love" -andrew
"But I'm in love with you is that ok?" - random girl
"That happens often" -andrew

hope you've enjoyed these gathering of random gems, brought to you by the corts.
stay tuned for more :)

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah