Tuesday, September 27, 2011

4 am and thoughts are running through my head

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -Carrie Bradshaw

I just woke up in the middle of the night and have a burst of energy and urge to write so here i am! I've had drafts of posts i've begun and haven't finished piling up on here..and they were full of cheerful news and goings on (this post isn't one of them) that I wanted to share but it's been a rough few weeks around my small bubble of those i consider my nearest and dearest so i've gotten sidetracked.. but for once none of the rough patches have anything to do with me specifically. (slight sigh of guilty relief, phewwww).

I've been unlucky to bear witness to the end of one too many relationships these last few weeks (months really) Not all of these relationships were romantic ones, some were years long friendships, some love and devotion from a more than just a pet. Some of these endings were a long time coming, some were taken away suddenly by death, some out of the blue through a conversation that took a sudden turn in a completely wrong direction. I have also witnessed the blossoming of new love, and true love, people taking their first steps into building a new relationship, showing of newly aquired engagement rings, going on first dates, picking out songs for their first dance, even tearing up when i stood on the sidelines among friends as we watched one of our favorite girls slow dance her first dance as a married lady with her brand new husband. I've even witnessed a confession of a betrayal that I have mixed feelings about.

When i hear about a relationship of any kind coming to an end, I always wonder about it. Sometimes the details get inadvertently posted throughout facebook by those who are either too angry, or too hurt to realize theyre putting their details up for everyone to see...i know, because at one time I was one of those people..one who was so devastated by the end of what i thought to be my secure future, that i needed everyone to know what had been done to me and to share my hurt with the world, literally telling anyone and everyone who would listen about my heartbreak. Sometimes all the information you get is through the grapevine "oh did you hear so and so broke up? no ones talking about why though..." sometimes you find out awkwardly when you bump into an old aquaintance and ask about their gf/bf and they inform you that the relationship ended at some point and you just didn't get the memo.

I always wonder when a relationship of any kind ends, if those people ever thought to themselves during their last happy moment together "this will be the last good time we see each other" You never really know do you? that this moment will be the last happy memory you'll have with that other person. Really, you never know at any given moment whether or not you'll ever see that person again, whether literally or in that same light because that's just how life is..a big game of chance. I've had those feelings before, when saying goodbye to someone, kissing them and watching them walk away off to work, I've thought to myself "this is the last time I'm going to kiss him  goodbye" and it actually really was....

so that brings me back to my point...how do you ever really know? i know you can't start off every friendship, or relationship thinking to yourself, "jeez i'm really going to miss this person when it all falls apart", but really you never really know. there are no gurantees in life, no promises that can't be broken, no way of knowing that a seemingly normal conversation can go so very wrong, that when the person you care about says "i'll see you tomorrow" they actually already know that they won't be doing just that.

It's hard when a relationship ends, of any sort, because you find yourself going back through your time together, replaying every moment, looking, searching really for that one second where everything fell apart, as if you could go back in time and change that second so you could alter the course of what came afterwards. I don't know why we do this (or maybe you don't and it's just me) it's sort of punishing yourself over and over again by remembering all the good things and then being at a complete loss of why this all happened.

It hurts me to watch the people I care about hurt. I want to protect them and wish away the pain of their heartbreak and fast forward to the day when they wake up not hurting anymore and are happy once again. I also wish that for all of us that have ever been hurt in some way, that when that one day finally comes around, not only are we happy once again, but that not even a glimmer of that hurt exists anymore, because as of now, I know that even though I finally came out of my haze of feeling sad and wounded, and am finally smiling again, that every so often, deep down in my soul, I can still feel that hurt keeping me company and reminding me that once upon a time i was betrayed, and taken for granted, and that someone who shouldnt even be a thought in my mind anymore, once thought of me as unimportant.

and quite frankly, who needs that debbie downer of a thought popping up every so often when you're trying to build your future back up? nopee, not this girl.

right, so anyway i wish i could help my lovebugs, protect them from pain and hurt, fast forward to the day when everyone wakes up happy again, and not so sad, and basically live in a world where it's always sunshine and smiles :)

but that's not how life works is it? i know, but a girl can dream. in the meantime, i've given out countless hugs, wrote a thousand texts, made a few phone calls, listened to conversations ranging from the tearful to the angry and every other emotion in between, tried to give good advice when asked for it, attempted to keep my mouth shut when my opinion wasn't asked for, tried to mend fences, reach out to those i've lost contact with, focus on figuring out my own life, sending out funny pictures, jokes and other nonsense to bring a smile out of people even for just a second, and mostly put off blogging in order to sleep unusual amounts because I feel so exhausted all the time.

Did you make it to the end of this semi depressing post? If you did, thanks and sorry :) I promise to be back with a happier post soon, I've had so many good things going on lately, I just needed to get this sad one out for now.

Enjoy your lives kids- your friendships, your families, the people you see every day and almost don't notice. smile like its going out of style, say hello please and thank you, even give out a kind word. everyone is fighting their own battle, a little kindness goes a long way.



be brave loves,





1 comment:

say hello :)