fill up my life with yet to come surprises

I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am.

 I'm making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with

yet-to-come surprises.

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

a few things:

i would like a call back for a job i want in providence...like today.

so that i can move after christmas.

oh what? you didn't know i decided yesterday that i'm moving back to providence?

why yes, i did in fact decide to move back to providence, applied for a bunch of jobs, and scoped out apartments all day yesterday.

i gave my mom a speech about being stuck in a life i didn't choose for myself, while the person who talked me into it isn't even part of my life anymore. i talked about feeling like there is a whole life out there that isn't going to happen if i don't make it happen. i talked about not feeling like an adult at 26, not being able to support myself if i keep depending on my parents, not moving on with my life if i stay here.  i can't live at home forever. i'm not 16 anymore.

i want to be closer to the people i think of first when i have good news, bad news, news that's not important to anyone else, but they know it's important to me. the people who know all the things i've done these last few years, the things i've gone through, the troubles i've survived. the people who showed up when i needed them the most.

i want to make memories and never forget the people that matter to me the most.

i want to wake up in the morning excited to go to work. i want to be surrounded by people who also feel fulfilled by the work they do. i want to make a difference in the life of atleast one child. i want to get a paycheck and know that I earned it, by doing something i love, and that the money isn't even the biggest reward from it.

i want to go grocery shopping and pay for the things i need with the money i made. i want to invite friends over to my house for dinner, drink wine, enjoy each others company. i want to paint my room and get new furniture and put effort into a space that i plan on staying in for a few years, not a few months.

i want to meet someone.

i want someone to meet me and think: "she is someone that i want to get to know"

love at first sight would be nice, but love over time isn't something i'd pass up either.

i want someone in my life who calls that day, sends a message just to say hi, doesn't care about looking too interested, too needy, too desperate.

someone who wants me to know that they are thinking of me.

someone who cares about how i might be feeling.

someone who wonders what i'm doing.

someone good and kind.

someone who works hard and has dreams and goals.

someone who is tall.

someone who cares about their family.

someone who notices the little quirks i have.

someone who surrounds themselves with true friends.

someone who can't wait to introduce me to his friends because he knows theyll love me.

someone who holds my hand when we walk into a room, hugs me without caring who's looking, kisses me on the forehead just because.

someone who looks at me and thinks im beautiful

no matter what i'm wearing, what im doing, where i am.

no matter the size of my jeans or that my stomach isn't flat.

someone who holds me, touches me, looks at me and thinks that i am just perfect,

and perfect for him.

someone who is proud to have me as his own, someone who is grateful every single day for meeting me, someone who never takes me for granted.

i want someone to look at me and see all the things i see in myself,

what my family sees, what my friends see.

i'm funny. i'm witty. sometimes i'm awkward. i'm shy, but i'm outgoing. i'm a good friend and a good person. i'm creative. i'm loving and kind. i'm smart. i surprise myself, and i will surprise you.

i believe in a small gesture meaning more than a grand display. i love to be cuddled.

im passionate. i love, and i love hard.

sometimes i over think things, sometimes i take things to heart.

i'm sensitive, and empathetic.

i care about people, their lives, their struggles.

i want to make a difference in the world.

i write messages in cards, not just sign my name.

i'm short, but just the right size for me. 

the moment i feel the most beautiful on any day is when i wake up- pink cheeks, messy hair, clear eyes.

my favorite feeling is when someone reaches for me: to hold my hand, to hug me, to sleep closer together, to cuddle.

i get a rash on my chest when i'm nervous, upset or excited.

i tear up when i feel like im being attacked, no matter how strong i'm trying to be, no matter how angry i am.

i don't like the dark.

i watch scary movies with the lights on.

i read, and i read a lot.

i have no rythym but i love to dance.

i want people to take the time to get to know me, not just decide i'm not worth it after meeting me only one time.

i don't want to know people who think i'm not worth it.

i want to be loved.

 i want to grow up. take responsibility for my life. make things happen, not just talk about it.

 i want a life im proud of, one i want to share with someone else.

i want to be happy on my own, and be happy with someone else.

i want to fall in love with my life, every single day.

Source: stayelegant.blogspot.com via Misti on Pinterest

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

a city adventure in under three hours

Today I ventured into the city for a job interview.

Now to be clear I went into Brooklyn for my interview which turned out to not be an interview at all but actually a mini workshop that took all of half an hour and ended with me leaving happily with my new employee i.d. card. 

After that I went into the city to kill time and take the LIRR home.

here are some random observations & encounters I observed or experienced while there:

1. ride inside, get there alive...this psa brought to you by the mta. Good thing they warned me because I was planning on just grabbing hold of the doors and seeing what happened

this isn't me, i found it on google...but that is the sign and that girl looks exactly how i felt reading it

2. The lady  who sat in front of me while I ate lunch was in fact breast feeding her 3 day old child in au bon pain...in full view of her entire family..and everyone else in the place. I have mixed feelings about this. Something about not wanting to see a strangers boob while I'm eating. I understand it's natural and all that, but isn't your breast cold? don't you maybe want to cover it up with one of those privacy things they sell for this exact purpose?

like this thingy no?

3. i had extra time before my interview and I desperately needed some coffee so I ducked into a McDonalds to hang out & partake in some not so good for you breakfast.

This is what happened next...

my total was 5.87..I handed

the woman a $20 and she asked me if a had smaller bills. " No I'm sorry I don't" "you don't?" "no..I don't think i do.."  she rolled her eyes at me "are you sure?" " umm (me digging around in my bag, discovering a random $5 bill) oh i do!, there you go" anddd she proceed to ignore me for the next five minutes while I stood there awkwardly wondering if she remembered that I ordered coffee. She didn't say one word to me while I waited. then she just kinda shoved my coffee at me and walked away. ok..did I do something to offend you miss? And also, why are you harassing me for "a smaller bill" ? it's not like i handed you a $100, if i knew I had a smaller one I would've used it.

Also, my sausage, egg & cheese biscuit did not have cheese. apparently they don't come like that anymore..anyone notice they changed the sign? nope not meee!

see the cheese? how deceptive.

4. apparently, it was summer in the city. i ended up taking off my cardigan and walking in my sleeveless dress and still wasn't even chilly. Actually I was unbelievably hot & sweaty. gross.

5. Besides being hot & sweaty during my interview thing, I managed to take THE BEST PICTURE for my employee i.d. !!! BEST I.D. PICTURE I'VE EVER TAKEN! It even surpassed my awesome rhode island drivers license picture which was the running champion out of all the i.d. pics
I have. Remember, I've attended a whole lot of colleges, and lived in more than one state.

6. While having lunch, finding out my refillable cup isn't refillable. I'm sorry I don't understand..why is it in a refillable cup if I'm not allowed to refill it? I thought that was the point in picking the fountain drink instead of the bottled drink.

7. Waiting in the subway station for your train to come, feels like you're hearing the world end above you..it's crazy.


8. no one liked the know it all kid when they were in class. apparently when you're supposed to be a grown up, no one likes the know it all grown up either. hey blonde girl? stop showing off.

9. pop up farmers markets on sunny days are amazing


andddd the final, possibly worst thing I got to witness today...

we got called in one by one today to meet with the personnel person..so when you finished you came back out through where the rest of us were waiting. this one particular gem, who looked like she decided to not wash her hair for the last three weeks and wore jeans to a business casual interview, and who continued to go on and on about her guaranteed position in a school because the principal there thought she was just simply amazing...i digress.

as she walked back out after her turn, one guy said bye good luck to her, like we had all been doing for every other person who had gone in before us. she turned around and came back:

awful girl: " i don't need luck"
nice guy: "oh, umm. ok"
awful girl: " i have a principal who is dying to have me in their school"
nice guy: " i think we all do, that's why we're here"
awful girl: ( picture this being said in the rudest, 'i'm better than you' voice you can imagine)
" yeah well  I have tons of experience, I've been working in a Yeshiva. So now I'm going from teaching snobby jews to inner city kids. that's really awesome. " then she walked away.


the three of us sitting & waiting just looked at each other. the girl sitting across from me says "did she really just say that? how did she know I wasn't jewish?" I said "that was the strangest response to a good luck I've ever witnessed." nice guy says " i don't even know...let's just let it go"

I'm sorry you random annoying girl. i thought we had to take a morals test before this interview. that included questions regarding anti semitism.
I hope my future kids never have you as a teacher.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences

"I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. "-An excerpt from a letter written by Chris McCandless, in Jon Krakauer's Into the Wild

I know this may be stating the obvious but I'm a little lost in my life. If you've been catching up with my posts, you can see I mention this uncertainty concerning not only my future, but my current here and now fairly often. Last night I was sitting in my living room reading and my dad was in the adjoining dining room doing a crossword. Those moments are some of the best ones I have with my dad. I like the fact that sometimes we can share a comfortable silence, and we don't need to talk about a million things, we can just share a silent moment both of us doing something that relaxes us. I know he's noticed my lack of motivation, my all around discouragement and confusion in where my life is going, so I've been waiting for him to bring it up. Last night he did: "Sarah, are you ok?"

No dad, I'm not.  I'm lost and confused. Where am I going? What am I doing? Who am I supposed to be? When will I meet someone worthwhile? When will the life I imagined I would have start happening?

Every morning I wake up and ask myself these same questions, and really a million more just like them. I'm a worrier, and have panic attacks that make me need to turn on all the lights and find someone to be near me so I know I'm ok. I'm also a dreamer, a girl with such strong wanderlust that I want to just pick up and go, backpack across the world and see everything I possibly can, while I still can. I'm a girl who's wanted to be an astronaut and a veterinarian, a baker and a photographer, a race car driver and a teacher. I'm a girl who wants to lay on the beach in Uruguay and sit in her Yeya's kitchen as many times as possible before she is gone and the chance will pass me by, but I'm also a girl who developed a fear of flying and hasn't gotten on a plane in almost six years. I'm a girl who wants to create a home, build a family and fall in love, but I'm also a girl who wants to find  a career that is fulfilling and makes me want to get up and go to work every day. I'm the girl who has a million hopes and dreams, but also is terrified that her life will end in an instant before she can make any of them come true. I'm a girl who wants to go out on her own, live a life that she can be proud of, take every chance possible and make a difference to at least one person, but I'm also a girl who is worried about what may happen to my parents, my brother...myself,  if I go too far from home.

So I answered my dad, "no, I'm just a little lost in my life right now..." His answer? "So? let's move, find a job, apply everywhere, get going, but go south, I'll come too".

And you know what? he's right. It really is that simple. What do I have to lose? Nothing. You never gain anything if you don't take a chance, and especially if you don't believe in yourself. And if you don't believe in yourself, why should anybody else?  Lucky for me, I won't ever be alone, even if I move across the country, because I have people who believe in me and want to see me be happy and make my dreams a reality.

my parentals, 2011

before I was even a thought in their minds, circa 1983

That's where my minds been today, thinking about what I can do now, what's my first step. And then I read this post a toast to Ch-ch-ch-anges , and it made me realize that I'm not the only one out there who needed a change, took a risk, and made it happen. Which is why I am up at 4:30 am filling out an application for an opportunity that is out of my comfort zone, but could really change my life if it works out.

Because really...what do I have to lose? Wish me luck.

be brave loves,