who says you can't go home?

Who says you can't go back, been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There's only one place left I want to go, who says you can't go home?


I've been keeping a not so secret secret: I'm moving back home.
I'm not sure when--maybe next month, maybe in six months, but I know I'm going.
My life here in Rhode island has been interesting, but my moving here was a mistake from probably the first week. I've had good times, and not so good times, and met a lot of people I wouldnt have, if I had never come back here, but now this chapter in my life is coming to a close. (Again)
It's funny, because I so desperately wanted to move away last year, and now I would move back tomorrow if I could. I guess I had to go away to really appreciate what I was leaving behind.
I'll miss things and people here from my Rhode island life, but if they're really meant to stay in my life they will.

my parents are thrilled, my brother is undecided. i think i might be winning him over though.

So, who wants to help me find a job back in new york? :) 

never again will i take having hot water for granted

  Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. 

Maybe, you have to let go of who you were 

to become who you will be -- SaTC

Hello, hello my little lovebugs!! and 

welcome to the new faces i see somewhere over there ---->

thanks for visiting me ( and sticking with me!) when i've been so sporadic with my posts lately!

let's play catch up shall we? 

i've been on blogging hiatus for entirely too long and NOT by choice and it's making me oh so very sad..

im literally having withdrawals from not being able to stalk all of you or pin tons of things i think i can make, see, look like, travel to at all hours of the day or night to my hearts content on my pinterest.

i missed out on my favorite link ups, have gotten news about blog friends days later and am overall way behind.

SO sad. 

time for a recap:

i moved. i have experienced some glitches with things i have always expected to have on a daily basis...

such as: cable...internet...hot water...cooking gas..a job.

yes yes i realize cable and internet are actually luxuries but so what? i like having them, and currently do not. 

i also don't want to have them set up yet without being gainfully employed..but working on that theory i should probably also not have rented an apartment and moved to another state for the same reasons. 

apparently my roommate has lived without them for the entire time he's lived in the apt and how he has is beyond me..but maybe he's not as obsessed with pining and other thing i spend hours online doing.

hot water & cooking gas. i do not have these. i haven't since the day i moved in. please take a moment to think that over. due to personal reasons that aren't mine to discuss b/w my roommate and his former roommate, the gas company decided to turn off the gas in our apt. had i fully understood what that meant i probably wouldn't have moved in so quickly...but you know, unless someone has a time machine to lend me there's really no point in dwelling on that....

but please imagine what it's like to a. take a freezing cold shower if you would like to bathe...b. heat up container upon container of water in the microwave until you have enough to clean yourself or c. visit your other friends every day who will take pity on you and let you shower at their homes.

not good. maybe i'm a spoiled brat but i enjoy hot water. and showering daily. and in my own home. sooo this hasn't really helped make my transition as smooth as i would've liked. 

as my brother put it when he came to visit me this past weekend "i showered better in peru and THERE i had to poop in a hole in the ground" 

tmi? maybe. 

and because there's no gas, i can't cook anything, unless it's in the microwave. do you know how annoying it is to go grocery shopping and have to think of only things you can eat as is or in the microwave so you don't waste tons of money on one time only fast food meals? annoying.

also, as the girl who's always sick, i've been sick since before christmas. so for anyone who's counting that's made me have some awful illness every three weeks for the last six months. yep. soo i'm a big baby and ran away from my no hot water home and drove the three hours to go have my parents take care of me at my home home and visit my doctor so he can laugh at me and hear for himself what i sound like...he was impressed. said so himself " you know for a NON smoker, you have a great smokers cough"
(disclaimer: before i re-read this again a few hours later, i didnt notice i left out the NON part in NON smoker. )

thanks doc. now give me more meds. 

so here i am at home, not less than two weeks after i packed my stuff and moved away from it, determined to set out on my own. and even better than that is that i didnt even tell anyone here or there that i was gone. except my roommate who i told after i had already gotten home and that was because i wanted him to eat the already made food that i left so it wouldnt be a total waste.

the ridiculousness of my life right now is not lost on me. 

anywho...what's up with you guys? i hope the new year is treating you all well :)

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

oh and P.S. stay tuned because I'm hosting my very first giveaway during this week!! 

i'll spread my wings and i'll learn how to fly

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

It's moving day, it's moving day!!! After a slight change of plans in which I was supposed to move yesterday, I'm moving today!

i'm a whole mix of emotions, but that's to be expected. i'm worried, excited, sad, happy, unsure, intrigued....tons of things.  i don't know what will happen from here on out, but it's a chance im taking. and i wouldn't be able to take it if it wasnt for the three people who know me best and who i will miss the most...so here is my open letter to them:

Dear Moommy,

I love you. I know you're worried that I'm going to be sitting alone eating dinner. I know you're afraid about me getting sick and being too far away from you. I know you seem to think i am moving to antartica and will not survive the cold weather (that is not so unlike the one i am leaving). I know you are worried about me not using all my potential, that I don't believe in myself enough, that I don't give myself enough credit and don't want me working waiting on tables just to get by. I promise I will be ok. I promise I'll call you and I won't get annoyed when you send me bbm messages filled with all sorts of smiley faces. I actually get a kick out of it when you do. They make me giggle, no matter what I'm doing. I know you wish I could live with you forever, but we both know I had to go sooner or later. You've given me so much, it's about time I go and go do something to deserve it all. I will miss you trying to high five me or give me a fist pump when you crack yourself up at dinner, I will miss you taking care of me when im sick, and even will miss you coming into my room and offering to help me clean up the chaos i like to live in, or wanting to shop around in my stuff to see what you can use. I know you're worried Moommy, but you don't have to be (but I also know telling you you don't have to be is silly, because you wouldn't be you if you didn't worry about me) You taught me how to be a take charge kind of lady moommy, how to not let being a little lady let people take advantage of me, how to work hard, and make a difference in the world. because that's what you do moomy. and I want to be just like you when i grow up, because youre my hero. You work hard for us, and it's time for me to do the same. I know you're proud of me moomy, but it's time i start being proud of myself too. don't worry moomy, i'm just a short drive away, and you know I can't stay away from home for too long. i miss you already.

love,
sarita


Dear Daddy,

I love you. I know you're worried too, even though you haven't said it. I think it's because you know i'll be brave, and probably because you know this is a lesson i'll have to learn on my own. Even though i'll never really be on my own will i?  because I can always count on you to help me when i need it. You listen when i need to talk and you don't judge me. you tell me your secrets because you know i'll keep them. i'll miss sitting quietly at the table with you reading the paper, and getting in each others way in the kitchen. ill have to buy the paper and do the crosswords on my own, but ill probably end up calling you for the clues that stump me since you always seem to know the answer, kind of like you do for every other question i ever have. I'm gonna get it together daddy, im going to figure out a budget and save my money. it's about time for it. i count on you for everything, but i have to learn to do it on my own. it's way past time for it, and i'm lucky you've let me have this long to figure it out. when you were my age you lived a whole lifetime of things i can't even imagine having to do, and i'm lucky for all the things you've given me. one of my most favorite days with you was when we flew to miami to tour that awful campus, ditched in the middle of the tour to go eat, and then spent the rest of the day at the beach swimming in our clothes because we didnt pack..well anything especially not bathing suits, and then we flew back home slightly soggy. when i couldn't sleep and moved to the living room last night because i didnt feel well, i cried all night after you tucked me in. i may be a grown up, but im still really just a little girl who loves her daddy. i promise i'll still talk to you twenty times a day, i'll never be too busy for that. i miss you already. you're my hero too.

love,
your little palomita

Dear Binkaroo,

i love you. I wish we could live together forever, but you already shot down my plan to live next door to each other and build an underground tunnel to connect our houses. you can come visit me whenever you want, even though you think youre only going to see me on holidays. you're my best friend, what will i do without you around every single second? who will watch tv with me and ask me a hundred questions about the shows i watch and then make fun of them the whole time? i'm sorry i'm leaving you to handle dinner time questions on your own, but be patient with mom and dad, they love you so much-- they just want to spend time with you and stay a part of your life, even if they do make you crazy when they're asking a hundred questions. keep working hard in school, but don't stress yourself out so much over it, youre the smarty pants and you know you'll do well no matter what. be careful in the choices you make, and be good and kind like the binkaroo i love. keep your good friends close and always remember how valuable it is to have them when things get tough. don't forget you have me too. leaving you is probably the hardest for me, because I worry you'll forget about me, and won't talk to me so much when i'm not close by. we can still talk every single day and send lots of funny madeup bbmfaces to each other. you can let moomy and daddy read my blog now, they'd probably like it if you showed them how to see it. you're the first friend i ever had and my hero. and i miss you already.

love,
sissy

you three are my most favorite people in the world, and i wish we could stay together forever. i know things will be different now, but we're still a family and im grateful for you,

 and love you every single day.

Source: beyondtherack.com via Denise on Pinterest

ok, sadfaces, sadfaces, i made myself cry writing this one, so off i go.

wish me luck lovebugs, i'm headed off on my adventure. my posts may be here and there until i get my internet situation figured out...but stay tuned to see how my adventure turns out :)

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

chapter...1ish

Source: tumblr.com via Sarah on Pinterest

Some may say this move of mine is really me taking two steps forward, one step back. Trying to go back to what once was.

And maybe I am. But I prefer to look at it as an adventure. A do over to live my life the way I had intended to live it before I let someone elses opinions change my direction and sent me on a course I was hesitant to take in the first place. because that chapter in my life is closed, and has been for quite some time now.

Last night, at my farewell shindig, I was talking with an old friend I've known since kindergarten who happened to be in town for the holidays. She has lived in many different cities and is now planning on moving again in may when she finishes school. She was telling us about how she picked this new city, despite only visiting it once during a long weekend, because it just felt right to her. She could see herself living a life there. It was one of those places that felt more like home to her than our actual hometown.

I know that feeling. That's how I've picked my places too. That's how I ended up going to college in providence all those years ago after only spending one day there, for a few hours, and only with the intention of attending an open admissions day and applying for the miami campus, but being miami was a plane ride away, driving to rhode island seemed more logical.

I went, and saw a possibility of a future there. I did end up visiting the miami campus a few weeks later, hating it and immediately deciding on attending the providence one instead.

Because that's how I make my choices. On a whim, based on a feeling. And it works for me. This move might be for a few months or it could be for a few years. You never know. Maybe I'll get a dream offer for a job in charleston, sc and up and go. Maybe I meet someone who changes my life and they want to move to austin. maybe i finally can save up enough money to travel abroad and end up staying in europe for a year, or two or three.  maybe, i'll bump into Prince Harry and he falls madly in love with me.

Hey, a girl can dream right?

The fact of the matter is that I made this choice and now i'm sticking to it. i'm going back to a place that I loved living in, love going back to, love the way i feel when i'm there. i'll give it my best chance, because really, that's what life is all about isn't it...taking chances? there's no guarantees that it will all work out, that i will be instantly happier, that everything will suddenly fall into place, but really what do i have to lose?

we were all given a life, and it's up to us to live it. fill it up. appreciate it and make it count.

so yeah, maybe my plan isn't solid. maybe i don't have all the details set in stone. but that's part of the fun of it all. it wouldn't be an adventure if i was completely planning on following a roadmap.

Source: blog.freepeople.com via Taylor on Pinterest

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

They're airbrushed, and you're air breathing

"You have to start with confidence. Not bravado, not bluster, but confidence. This book is as much about losing your fear as anything else. If you want to be scared silly of being rejected and feeling vulnerable, of being too fat or too tall or too noisy or too quiet, you're going to be alone, because I'll tell you everybody's dirty little secret: If we let ourselves, we'd all be frightened all the time. It's not that there are brave people and cowards; it's that there are people who decide their fear is too heavy and can and should be left behind. These people go on with their lives: They focus on other people, have fun, have sex, have picnics, have colds, and even have doubts. But the emphasis is on doing, not on worrying. Checking out the latest movie star's pecs or bosoms is not a way to start dating. They're airbrushed, and you're air breathing, so let's get on with it. "

-- Excerpt from Chapter 2, Being Confident, Dating for Dummies

so.

this is where i am now.

i've decided to be one of those people. the one who leave their fear behind. and go on.

i'm starting a new chapter in my life. it's probably why i'm so intent on moving before the new year.

my entire life i've believed the way you ring in the new year will determine how your year goes from that point on. i wear new underwear. i get my eyebrows done. i make plans to be doing something with people i care about. i call my parents.
when the ball drops i concentrate on being happy, no matter what.
because that's how i want to start every single one of my new years. not so much fresh, from scratch..
but happy.
anyway, i digress since this isnt't a post about my new years plans...but still.

how does one become more confident?

this is a lifelong thing i've struggled with. when i was little my parents signed me up for drama classes to help me get over my shyness.

clearly, it did wonders for me.

anyway. i'm going to read my little book and take notes.

because guess what my friends?

i've decided to start dating. yes i realize that in order to start dating there have to be people who are interested. and to meet people who are interested, one must go out, into the world and meet them.

so that's what i plan on doing. going out into the world and talking to strangers...
just not in the totally creepy, take candy from strangers in a white van way.

but i will make time in my life to actually have one. i wont always stay in, i wont always say i can't afford it as an excuse to stay home. i wont always say my clothes don't fit, or it was too long of  a day or i have to get up too early the next day.

life isn't just waiting on pause for me to show up and
decideto take part in it.
 it's happening every day, all around me. people are going places,
seeing things, moving away, moving back.
falling in love. growing up. falling apart.finding themselves.

so really, this post isn't about me dating. or about me moving.

it's about me, finding myself.

getting my ducks in a row-- as a kind friend said to me just a few moments ago as i was writing this.

letting go of my fears, my past, whatevers been holding me back.

just plain moving on.

so yes, i'm reading my book and taking notes, storing things in my brain to pull out for later use.
 but theyre just notes and just ideas about facing life...and you can't learn it all from a book,
somethings you have to learn through trial and error,
by taking chances, by not doing your norm,
by looking at each day like it's the day that can change your life for the better,
that it might be the best day of your life,
that something magical might happen,
by facing it one day at a time.
 making the most of every single day, every situation, every random chance encounter i have.

do i need to learn to be confident in order to meet someone? to find the perfect job? to make new friends? to show people how wonderful i really am? no.

because all that will happen when the time is right.
one day i will meet someone who wants to know more about me because i laughed at a joke no one else thought was funny, because i smiled at them, because i said thank you when they held the door for me as they were coming in, because i showed up somewhere with a plate of cookies, or because i'm reading a book instead of jabbing away on my cell phone.

that someone may be the love of my life. they may be my new friends in a new city. they may be someone who walks the same path i do every day, or has an empty seat at a table and dosen't mind me asking to sit down.

i need to be confident for myself.
so here i am. leaving my fears behind. moving one week from today.
leaving my family even if theyre still stuggling with thinking it's all a bad idea, and worrying about whether or not i'll be ok. even if i'm a little bit worried i may be making a mistake. even when i'm not really sure what i want to do with my career, or how i can find a way to incorporate all the things i love into something i can live off of.
even if i dont know if i'll meet someone next month or next year.

because you know what?

i'll make it work. i'll make the best of the life i was given, i will enjoy my life for myself.
because no one else is going to do it for me.
i'm the only one holding myself back.

and i've had enough.


with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

" i'm just practicing living in my new room"

a few gems i've gotten from the fam
since announcing my moving plans:

andrew wanders into my room with his books and starts moving my stuff to sit down:
 
"oh i see we don't even need an invitation
 to come in these days" -me
"oh since youre leaving im just practicing
living in my new room"- andrew

*****

"when you move, i'm gonna miss you like ugly girls miss the prom" - andrew

*****

"so you're going to take everything with you right?
i want the room empty,
i've got a wall to build" -dad

*****

" you know Sarah, you're friends aren't going to let you stay forever,
do you think they like you that much?" -mom

*****

"if they ask you to start on monday,
don't even bother coming back.
i'll just send you your stuff,
i'm already acting like you're there already anyway" -dad

*****

and the post i left on my best friend missys wall the other day:

"ok, here's my plan:

 1. i will get a job i enjoy going to

 2. i will get a second job to pay for extra things...like antonios and fatbellies

 3. i will lose weight, walk more, and drink more water...because i won't be able to pay for groceries, or gas and for my own well being.

 4. i will dance. and dance often. you dont have to pay for that

5. i will kiss boys. often. and enjoy every second of it. 

 6. i will pretend to be in college again with you and attend parties on oakland. think our greek discount will still count? alumni status? def.

 7. i will drive almost half an hour away to go to the beach and pretend it's completely normal.

 8. i will go to boston, to see our friends and have a dance party at the purple sham, since mollys & stings is now out of the plans.

 9. i will do every single fun thing the great states of massachusettes and rhode island have to offer- the random and cheesier, the better.

 10. i will tailgate at a patriots game, pay attention so i know what youre talking about at a celtics game, and happily wander around fenway to see the red sox.

 11. i will invite people over for home cooked meals, wine and good company. resurrection of my old norwood ave parties, just classier.

 12. i will enjoy every single second of the life im choosing for myself, even if other people don't agree and think i can't do it, even if i have to do my own nails and not go out for dinner, and think twice before buying another pair of sunnies or a fab necklace from forever, or sleep on an air mattress in an empty room for a few months because i can't afford to buy real furniture.

i might have to write this out and put it up for my every day mantra."

{ how's that for a game plan? }

andddd.....right now i'm back to writing cover letters and sending out resumes..talk about a serious case of writers block.

thank you to all of you who have sent me kind words through here, twitter & facebook. i appreciate it more than you know :)

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

alis volat propriis

it's official:

i'm moving.

i haven't gotten a job offer yet, or a definite place to live but those are just details.

it's official because i said so.

it's official because i have my heart set on it.

it's official because of the overwhelming amount of positive reactions

 i've gotten from people i've been away from for far too long.

it's official because all of the things i was counting on here haven't panned out,

or have just fallen through.

it's official because it's about time i make decisions for myself,

take responsiblity for myself,

and move on with my life

my parents disagree.

we will probably end up fighting about this

 until the day i pack up the car, and probably for days and weeks after that.

but i really hope not.

i really hope that after i return from my weekend of interviewing next week,

they've had some sort of revelation.

a change of heart.
their approval matters too much to me to leave with them disappointed in me
their support matters even more.

it may not be the way they would go about doing things
but it's the way i want to do them.

they did make me, after all.
two people who took their own risks way back when and left their countries
without any gurantee that their lives would be any better in this one.

and yet. it was. and it's because they took a chance.

they're just worried.

they want me to be financially secure.

in a career with benefits and a solid schedule.

in the history of my life,

this may be up there in my random acts of rebellion.

i was really a play by the rules kind of teenager.

saying im going to up and move away from them is a pretty big deal.

in my adult life

i job hop. i hobby hop. i dream hop.

it's just how i am

i haven't found my place yet, but i will.

that's all im trying to do here, with this idea of moving.

just find my place in the world.

maybe it'll be in the ocean state,

maybe it won't be.

but i'll never find out if i don't take a chance.

you know what my tattoo says?

alis volat propriis

she flies with her own wings

i got it during a time when i felt like the world was closing in around me.

i was literally engulfed by a feeling i couldn't shake.

an overwhelming sadness that hurt me all the way into my core.

those were the days, weeks,...months really

where everything seemed very bleak.

i worried i would never laugh again.

i would never get myself out of the hole i felt myself sinking further into.

i got it on my wrist as a reminder,

every single day, that i would be ok

that i would pick myself up,

put myself back together

and fly.

soar.

reach out as far as i could

and experience every single thing the world had to offer me

on my own.

with my own free will.

with my own wings.

and that's what i'm going to do.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah