Wednesday, May 30, 2012

we have soooooo much in common, really, i swear.

let's talk about that time i joined an online dating site because i know atleast 15 people who have been successful from it and the only guys that messaged me were born the first time bell bottoms were cool or they only have pictures of themselves with their shirts off in the bathroom and use "words" like "ur" and "prolly".


or, the guys i was matched with because we had SO much in common like
....having two eyes and enjoying breathing
who i decided to actually message them, never responded to me.


on second thought, let's just keep this between us.


with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams
xo

Sarah

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

it's like a free ride, when you've already paid.



saturday night, after a night of relaxing {and indulging in lots some wine} i wrote a post about my imaginary future wedding that'll happen at some point in the next twenty years or maybe never according to my mom during this exchange that took place last weekend during my parents visit.

" Look sarah, a davids bridal!"
"Oh good mom, ill remember to go there when I get married in 10 years."
"10 years...or never. It doesn't happen for everyone but its ok as long as you're happy" ".....wow...thanks mom, so inspiring"

right. so anywayyyyyy.

i wrote my post, published it and went to sleep saturday night.
the next morning, i woke up to find out one of the two great loves of my life
{so far, here's hoping}
had gotten engaged.


ironic?

like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.


karma's a bitch.

want to know why i think karma's rubbing it in my face now?

take a trip down memory lane with me here to find out just how awful i really am.

hope you all had a lovely weekend!

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

xo

Sarah

Sunday, May 27, 2012

daydreaming




i have literally planned my entire wedding out.

the fact that i'm not even in a relationship is irrelevant. pinterest let's me pretend that my (not so) impending nuptials are totally a possibility. it also let's me pretend that I apparently have an unlimited budget.


good thing it'll probably be years before this actually happens, since every so often i change my mind about my theme, colors, location, size..well everything about my wedding.

and then there's the whole part about myy having another persons opinions to consider.

but, a girl can dream right?

right.

wanna see some of my ideas? sure you do :)

Source: repinly.com via Sarah on Pinterest




Source: glo.msn.com via Sarah on Pinterest









Source: flickr.com via Sarah on Pinterest

Source: wedzu.com via Sarah on Pinterest





Source: repinly.com via Sarah on Pinterest




Source: google.com via Sarah on Pinterest









and most importantly...

going home at the end of it all with your love..

just him & i


sigh. one day right?

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

xo

Sarah



Thursday, May 24, 2012

..the absence of hope


let's talk about something..depression.

it's something i've struggled with the last few years. it's not something im particularly ashamed of, but it's not something i talk about publicly either.
off and on it's hit me pretty much since i turned twenty. for one reason or another something set me off, and every day it's a struggle for me to not let myself fall down the rabbit hole all over again. a few years back, a little less than two actually, i was pretty close to falling off the deep end.
something awful (awful for me at least) happened and it just threw me off.
i couldn't sleep so i stayed awake all night. i slept all day. i never wanted to leave my house, go to school, i'm pretty sure i was useless at work, i couldn't focus on anything except how totally shattered i felt inside.

some of my friends figured it out and called me, texted me, came to see me as often as they could. others went on with their lives, either not caring about what was happening to me, or trying to work through their own lives without the available time to focus on mine.

i don't blame them. pretty soon even i was tired of myself.
i remember the day i chose to pull myself out of the dark hole of despair i had let myself fall into.

it was september 28th, 2010.

i had spent the weekend away surrounded by my best friends, but i felt totally and completely alone.
i cried so hard driving back home that i had to pull over more than once, so blinded by my tears i couldn't see the steering wheel in front of me, let alone the highway.

so that tuesday, after i didn't go to school for the millionth time, because i was just so miserable, after a day spent on the sofa alternating between crying and sleeping, after a phone call that really just showed me how little i had let myself matter to someone else...i prayed.

for the first time im my entire life, i willingly, and on my own went to my church, the church i grew up going to, and i prayed.

so there i was, alone in a pew, in my empty church and i prayed.

i prayed to god, and i prayed to st jude.

i prayed to be healed, i prayed for direction, i prayed for a sign to give me some hope. i prayed to be healed. i repeated my prayer over and over and over again. i'm not sure how long i sat there, but for the first time in a long time i felt peace come over me. i asked that a candle be lit for me during the next service, in hopes that the faith of others would help heal my soul. to help me find peace and hope inside my mind that felt empty and never ending.

i'm not sure i ever believed in the power of faith before that day.

i'm not sure i believe in it now either.

what i do know, though, is that that time i spent alone in my pew, healed me.

not 100%, not immediately, not completely, but just enough that i knew i would make it. through that night, the next one, and the one after that.

and that's all i really needed. just a push to help put myself back together.

so that's what i did.

now i'm not saying im totally okay these days. maybe one day i'll go get a professional opinion on it, maybe one day i'll need something else to help me on the days i feel dark, but for now i'll just wait it out, try to work it out on my own.

every so often i feel that emptiness creeping its way back out of whatever part of my soul it lives in.

just yesterday i spent the day with a total feeling of despair surrounding me, making me unable to work, unable to talk to anyone, leaving me completely exhausted and yet unable to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. it comes back every so often depending i guess on what's going on in my life at the moment, and it slithers it's way into all aspects of my life. it immobilizes me. it makes me unable to see all the good in my life and leaves me feeling that i have done nothing right in all the choices I've made. it confuses me. and leaves me feeling all alone in the world, when i know in my heart i'm really not.

i guess my point here is this...if you are someone who sometimes finds themselves struggling with, well just about anything, realize you're not alone. there's nothing wrong with you. you don't have to say you're fine when you're not, or pretend to be completely happy just because everyone expects you to be.

it's ok. you're ok.
all you have to do is not give up and the rest will figure itself out.

and if you need someone to be there, to listen to you, to help you find a glimmer of hope on a dark day, i'm here.




with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

xo

Sarah

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

where i intended.



the irony of my life never ceases to amaze me.



i up and moved back to rhode island for no apparent reason other than i was driving back from a weekend away and realized i wanted to find any possible reason to stay, so i basically did.

i applied for a job i didn't get, and then got a job i've wanted for years, if only for a temporary while.

i got sick, got admitted to the hospital for days for the first time since i was born, and really was reminded of just how much people care about me, even if i don't hear from them for months (or even years) at a time.

i moved out of my apt, into my own place and am happily surrounded by all my stuff, creating a space that for the first time, in a very very long time, is totally and completely my own.

i'm writing my own rent checks, which in itself is a huge deal.

i may be single, but atleast im not in a relationship anymore with someone who doesnt't value me.
i'll be ok with myself until i meet that special someone.

i've made so many new friends, and while the quantity isn't important, the quality of them is and i'm glad for that.

i've had a major boost in self esteem and leave the house telling myself im beautiful much more often than i do thinking im disgusting, despite the fact that i haven't lost those forty pounds i hoped to have dropped by now.

and today i found out that something special i've been working on for a few months was approved, and while i do plan on having a special post all about it, let's just say that my heart is completely and totally full of joy today.

so, i'm still a little lost in life, on the verge of turning 27, still looking like im 17, only sometimes part time employed. short as ever, but feeling more at peace with myself daily, and mostly totally happy.

it was a beautiful day, and i have a beautiful life.
thanks for being a part of it.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

xo

Sarah

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

life.

one of these days im going to figure out what to do with my life.

..apparently, it's not that day yet.