bet ya bottom dollarrrrrr, that tomorrowwwww

When I was going into fourth grade my parents were going through some tough financial times and  because of that we moved and I had to switch schools. (It's weird hearing about things from your parents point of view years down the road. To hear my parents talk about this period in our lives, I was completely oblivious to the financial struggles they were dealing with on a daily basis. Like completely naïve. It makes me feel guilty and bratty, but it can't change that now, just trying to be more aware in the present)

Anyway, in my town we have about six elementary schools so really it wasn't a big huge deal, but for me it definitely was. I was shy, I was leaving my best friend, and teachers I loved. Not to mention the boy who was my absolutely, can't breathe, can't sleep, one true love Scott L . Because you know, you totally know you're in love when your 8. (Awkward, if people actually read this and know who he is..I'm embarrassed for my 8 year old self) So there I was my first week of 4th grade and I get pulled out of my school and plopped into my new one. In my new kid welcome packet I got a pencil that said "School 8 is great!" which I then proceeded to change the words and went around saying " I hate School 8" for about three weeks.

Clearly, while being shy, I was also prone to theatrics.

SO somehow my parents got the idea to sign me up for this drama playhouse thing for kids, where my best friend and I would go once a week after school and take drama classes, culminating in showcase performance for an audience. So week after week we went and practiced and I debated the absolute huge decision of if I would belt out Annie's "Tomorrow" or be really epic and recite this huge poem that was like three pages in our drama books. I decided on the poem because 10 other girls were going to sing "Tomorrow" and practiced until I knew every word by heart. Cut to the night before our performance when we were doing the dry run. We were all told to line up in order, go out on stage when our names were called, announce our names and the title of what we were doing stand for a few minutes and then walk off. No practicing of our actual performance. AND GUESS WHAT?! I was picked to go first. So there we are the night of our performance...they call my name, I was so pumped...I walked out to that stage, looked out into the bright lights of my acting debut and said......: "Hi I'm Sarah, and I'm going to recite insertnameofrandompoemhere", gave a bigggggg smile, took a bow.....and walked off stage.

cricket, cricket.


it took me walking off stage, behind the curtain and down the stairs to the wings where everyone in my group was waiting before I realize I didn't actually recite my poem.

right. awkward.

SO I had to turn myself around, go back onto the stage and give myself a do over. without crying of embarrassment, which was a feat in itself.

what's the point of this long winded trip down memory lane to my very first acting debut you may be asking yourself?

.......whenever I'm on an interview and I get asked my very first question and am expected to essentially perform for this stranger to demonstrate my talents and capabilities-- well, I turn into that 8 year old girl who got caught up in the glare of the spotlights, completely blanked, and can't remember what she's supposed to be doing.

but as my 8 year old self discovered that night, all you have to do is take a deep breath, look straight out into the crowd, and fake it til you make it. and then give a bigggg smile when you're done. and that's what I did today, during my teaching demo lesson that I was so nervous I thought I'd drown in my sweat.


the end.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams
xo


{random: but one of my favorite memories with my family is during out first night in our new house (which is now our old house...we move A LOT), when the four of us slept on blankets on the floor in what would be our living room, that was actually this huge double parlor, all together like we were camping because our furniture wasn't unpacked yet}

p.s. have you liked my facebook page  yet? go for it!

two things

is it still socially acceptable to identify yourself as a 20 something when you're actually much closer to 30 than 20?

 

ehh.

 

i know i am not the only person i know out there who struggles on the daily about what i'm doing with my life. while many of my friends are getting promoted at their jobs, establishing their careers, getting engaged, buying houses,planning weddings, talking about dinnerware, mortages, potty trainings, grown up things.....i'm just over here thinking about my next move.

 

is that such a bad thing? i'd like to think that it's not so much that im behind in life. or hopelessly dreaming. i think my future is still being made, processed and designed, and sooner or later the pieces will all fall into place and i will wake up one morning and find that i am exactly where i'm supposed to be. in the meantime, i'd rather see my path as a never ending possibility. i may be single, but i'm not alone. i may not know what job i'll be doing in 30 years, but i do know i can find a whole bunch that i enjoy along the way. i'm not planning my wedding, but hell i don't even know how to go on a date so why jump the gun?

 

don't get me wrong. for those of you who are established and are actually real grownups as so many of my friends are, i might envy you, but mostly i am happy for you. i know i'll get there too someday.

 

but why are we all in such a rush? i feel like everyone i know is so stressed out from one thing or the other, and no one is ever really enjoying any part of their day. seriously, look at your facebook timeline. take count of how many of your friends are currently posting a status about how tired they are, how pissed off they are, how they need a vacation/newjob/new body/new everything.

 

how many of them are posting just to say hi to the world? how many are posting about the stranger who complimented them, or how theyre wearing their favorite shirt today, or how they spent five minutes sitting in the sunshine? how many of the posts out of your hundreds of friends are happy, content, inspiring, humble? i'm thinking it's a small number.

 

i'm guilty of this too. just an hour ago i posted a status about my neighbors and our garbage flying around in the street because of how windy it is. (it really is though, i hear things flying around out there and hitting the house!)

 

i wish we'd all just take time in our daily lives to appreciate the little things more. to take a moment to ourselves and just look around and realize all we have, instead of taking it all for granted, and waking up one day five years from now with no recollection of the wonderful experiences that have gone by. or maybe not wake up at all. you never know what tomorrow will bring, we all only have today and even that's not guaranteed.

 

..................

 

anyway, this post got a little off course and i apologize because it's 3 am and i woke up from going to bed early and now here i am wide awake again, but that's alright. i shall leave you with these two things i just stumbled upon for all you fellow 20 somethings out there:

 

a quote:

 

Your twenties are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground

 

and a link that i agree with 90% of:

 

21 ways you should take advantage of your twenties

 

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams,

 

xo

nail polish, sunshine & good coffee: what it's like to have a sister

Source: google.com via Allison on Pinterest

did you know i have a sister?

most of the time when i start saying something about my sister people usually say:

"what sister? you have a sister?!"

why, yes, yes i do!

growing up she was like this really cool superstar grown up who'd make guest appearances

 in my little kid bubble of a life.

i remember her taking me trick or treating when i was five, and taking me to the movies.

i remember running into my room and locking myself in once because her and her friend were being mean to me when they were supposed to be babysitting. i remember her big hair and her glasses, and wanting to be just like her.

when i was six and she was 18 she moved to california
and forget it:
 she went straight into celebrity status in my mind.

from then on visits to see my sister all over the country were up there in most awesome highlights of my childhood.

because of her i went on a plane without my parents for the first time. she took me to the santa monica pier. she painted my nails and dyed my hair, and let me have velveeta which was a big nono back home. she made me love MAC's rocker nail polish. she's taught me that plans are just things to deviate from, and that dreams aren't so far fetched no matter how unrealistic they might seem to others. she's taught me how to love unconditionally, how to justify a purchase by breaking down the amount paid by how much it was worth ($100= wear it 100 times= 1.00 per day), how to appreciate a good cup of coffee, and how to make my own curtains, scarves and tons of other things. she has been there for countless late night conversations, welcomes me into her home at a moments notice, never kicks me out long after i've overstayed my welcome, and helped put me back together when i felt like things would never be okay again. she encourages me to order dessert when we go out to eat and never makes me feel like my concerns don't matter. we laugh about rediculous things, discuss the right shoes to go out dancing, and the pros and cons of drastic hair ideas until we either convince ourselves it's a good idea or just do it anyway. we practice taking self portraits whenever the chance comes up and could put most caterers to shame with our meal brainstorms, and packaging ideas.
she was with me when i got my first tattoo, exprienced my first tornado, and the day the world was supposed to end. i have countless memories with her and of her, millions of things i've learned from her, and so many amazing things i could tell you about her.

but that's all you really need to know.
she's my sister and she's amazing.

when i was small, she was a grown up who i was lucky to call my sister.

now we're two girlfriends who are even luckier to call each other sister & friend.

she's my willing listener and advice giver in all things
fashion, love and life related.
but more than that she's one of my best friends,
and my very favorite one and only big sister.

happiest birthday to the prettiest, smartest, most wonderful big sister in the whole world!

love you tiana, xo

when i grow up

"Go to college, a university, get a real job..that's what they said to me" -good charlotte

I've been to four colleges, one I've even been to more than once. I have three degrees. I've had 11 majors, countless minors and concentrations, spent too many summers taking four classes at a time and spent a total of seven years as an undergrad. And I still have to go to grad school, but I can't really think about that right now. After all that time and money and too many all nighters to count, an awful internship at the radisson hotel with my best friend, a semester student teaching and working at a restaurant at the same time, I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up.

Seriously, most days I don't have a clue. After participating in a whole bunch of focus groups in high school I wanted to be an advertising genius so I was a communications major. I used to want to open up a cafe, one that people would go to to hang out filled with garage sale finds, good music and awesome food. So I transferred schools and went for a restaurant management degree...but that was right after i had been on the hotel management track. I took event planning classes when I realized I loved planning parties, a travel and tourism class after I had an idea that maybe I could turn my urge to travel into a career...you get my point. In may, I graduated with an elementary education degree after I realized I'd rather be working with kids than running a kitchen, because really I was not good at it.

So here I am now. I work at the same after school program my brother and I went to our entire childhood -I worked the camp version of it this summer. If I could do it full time year round I would. I've applied for teaching jobs and haven't even gotten a call back, but really that's not much of a shock since every other person I know is an unemployed teacher. I wonder if I had gone the culinary track instead if I'd be happier right now, but what's done is done. I like to be able to give kids a place where they can be kids, a safe haven for those who may not have that environment at home...but sometimes the thought of actually being responsible for teaching them curriculum terrifies me. Read them stories, talk about their lives, play games, teach them how to be kind and respectful, how to express themselves, things like that? all that is a piece of cake to me.

im at a crossroads in my life and i'm at a loss on which direction to go towards now. I feel deadlocked in my current place in life because I can't move without money, and I'm not making enough money currently to add up to a savings that makes moving possible. I feel like if I don't move I will never get to where I see myself in life. I've had enough educational and work experience that makes me feel a little entitled to a job I'm qualified for and not one to just get a paycheck from.  I rely on my parents too much when really I'm at an age that I should be able to provide for myself...or atleast thats what I saw myself doing years ago when 26 seemed like almost a lifetime away. I just wish I could wake up and just know what to do, what path to take to get me where I want to be. Some clue as to how I can help myself get back on the right path of feeling hopeful and believing that I can make my dreams a reality.


So what do I want to be when I grow up? I guess I'll let you know when I figure it out.

be brave loves,

If I only knew...

My oldest niece is 17 years old.

Process that for a moment.

I was a celebrity the day she was born, a week after my 9th birthday, when I had the most exciting news to share during our class morning report.

I'm actually closer in age to her than I am with my sister, and when we're all together with my second oldest niece who is 13, the four of us look like a bunch of girlfriends just hanging out...which I'm totally okay with.

my beautiful little loves on their first day of senior/freshman year

Whenever I'm away from them I think about all the things I want to say to them in person, because really there's some conversations that really don't translate over a text. It never fails though, whenever I do get to see them the days fly by; filled with activities, school days, errands, visitors, family dinners, or just quiet moments watching tv together-- and suddenly my visit is over and it's time for me to collect all my things that have found their way scattered around my sisters house, and all those important things I wanted to talk to the girls about got forgotten somewhere along the way.

my big sister and i

us way back

my very first lovebug! my oldest niece

fall festivities with my oldest nieces

17 seems like such a long time ago, a lifetime really, almost a decade.

 I look back at pictures of myself at that age and think about how much I've grown since then, and what I wish I had known back then. I think about the things that were SO important to me then, the people I knew, the friendships I had, the decisions I made, just everything that made up my world back then, and wonder if I would still do everything the same way or if my life would be completely different now if given the chance to go back and do it all again.

prom fashion show

i've thought about it enough, to think of some things I wish someone had told me when I was 17...

(or maybe they did but I was just too much of a teenager to listen)

• You are beautiful exactly as you are. Your hair may be wild, you wear glasses, and sometimes your acne is out of control...but it's ok, it's what makes you, you. and you're beautiful.

• Appreciate your parents while you get to see them every day. You might think you're an almost adult, but you'll realize how much of a child you really are the day you're away from home and get sick for the first time.

• Don't be careless with someone elses heart. and don't let someone else be careless with yours. that boy you love? He's going to teach you about the things you want in a relationship, the things you don't, and will be the basis for every relationship that comes after 
 
 
• Don't share you body with someone if you aren't ready. don't worry about what your friends are doing, what you see on t.v., what everyone else expects to happen when you're surrounded by raging hormones, if you're not ready, youre not ready. but if you do decide to, choose wisely. and be safe.
 
 
 
• Be your own person. try to not be a follower. you want to go away to school and your friends want to stay home? go away anyway. your friends don't like someone and you do? befriend that person anyway. you're friends want to do something you think isn't a good idea? don't do it. it's simple really, even if it seems like the end of your world if you don't do everything your friends do. in a few years those friends you base your life around, only some of them will still be around in ten years. Cherish those people and the memories youll make together, but dont be afraid to take a chance just for yourself.
 
 
 
• Enjoy every single second of your senior year. it's your last real chance at being a kid, surrounded by people who have known you your whole life, or at least the last few years. After this, your friends will each go on their own path and not all of them will return to settle back at home after their college adventures. you're still at a place where you don't have to worry about how you're going to pay off your credit bill this month or interviewing for a grown up job. your senior year will be gone before you know it, so make it count.
 
 
• Think about college, what youre interested in, and what makes you happy. It doesn't hurt to go to a community college and take a bunch of different types of classes to see what really piques your interest. there's few things worse than spending four years (and maybe more) going towards a degree for a job it turns out makes you miserable. Maybe college isn't for you, maybe theres a trade you'd rather turn into a career, or a program you can pursue. whatever it is, explore the hobbies that make you happy, but do something to make them happen. apply for loans, scholarships, anything. make your dreams a reality.
 
 
 
• Be silly, be carefree, laugh a lot, don't let anything bring you down, walk away from people who want to hurt you or disrespect you. be the bigger person, be brave, embrace your personality, your intelligence, your quirks. say no to drugs, get as much fresh air as you can, wear a coat when it's cold and stay away from the tanning beds. exercise, dont drink and drive, run around, drink water. hug your siblings-they were the first friends you ever had- you'll miss not seeing them every day, take lots of pictures, dont sext, especially dont post your every move online, take time to read books, spend time alone, read the newspaper. believe in yourself, stand up for what you believe in, believe in changing the world. make a list of the things you want to do in your life and do your best to make them happen and be able to check them off as you go. embrace the beauty in the world around you. don't smoke. don't think that you'll never survive high school, or that every drama means your life is over. most of all...don't be in such a rush to grow up.

im in the middle, awkward braces and all with my high school best friends

SSSALDJJ <3

there's so much more I'd love to say to my former 17 year old self, the kids i used to know, my five nieces and one nephew who will all one day be 17, the kids who I just supervised over the summer, the kids who I take care of  now who will one day all grow into the teenagers i catch glimpses of on a daily basis...but it's late and my mind is going blank. as always all the things I'd love to say seem to have left my mind, but one of these days ill write them all down, so i can pass it on.

be brave loves,