something borrowed & something new: a letter

I was in third grade the day my oldest niece was born. It was the week after my birthday, and I remember standing at my locker and thinking that morning, when my teacher was doing morning circle, I would have the most exciting news to share, and I would definitely end up being the Star of the Week, because my news was so completely awesome.

Anyway, cut to the here and now. My niece is getting married today. Actually, she got married a few weeks ago, and today had a ceremony and a reception for friends and family.

and I was not there.

and it is literally so upsetting to me that I cried about it a few days ago while thinking about what I'd say if I was.

I know some of you are reading this and doing the math, and wondering to yourselves how it is possible that I have a niece who is now married. or maybe you're reading this and not really caring about the details. or maybe no one is reading this at all. that's fine either way, but I guess in this moment, her age, and mine for that matter,  really aren't necessary to talk about.

I think right now what I want to talk (write?) about is what I would say to my niece if I could be there, on this her special day.

My dearest, first little lovebug,
I know you may not be getting the best reaction from everyone when youve shared your news, and I have to admit, because I've never really sugarcoated things with you, that I did not immediately react so well to it at first either. I was worried, I was surprised, and I guess a part of me still is. and the only reason is because I love you, and I've always only wanted what I thought was best for you, which is silly, really, considering I'm your Aunt, and can barely figure out what's best for myself, let alone think I know what's best for other people...but you know what I mean. I always had this idea of all the things you'd do when you got older, and the things that we could do together, once you were all grown up. I think I saw us having the kind of relationship your mom and I started to have when we reached an age that the age gap between us didn't matter anymore.

and now, after i've gotten used to the idea of you making such an adult decision, I've realized a few things: 1. You are an adult! you're not the little girl andrew used to swing in the air anymore. You are smart and kind, and a wonderful young woman who is fully capable of making her own choices, and in this grand adventure youre about to embark on, well, you have the right things in your heart to carry you wherever you will go. It's not up to me or anyone else to tell you what to do anymore. Like my dad always tells me, my parents taught me as much as they could about values, ideals, how to know right from wrong, and all that other stuff about how to be a good person, and now it's up to me to do what I will with those lessons. It's that same thing for you. You are your own person, not a little girl anymore. You have hopes and dreams, opinions and ideas. and I believe that you will continue to grow into an even more wonderful woman than the one you are right now. and 2. just because you've decided to make this huge, life changing decision, doesn't mean all the things I hoped for you are not possible. If anything, they are ever more possible. because now, you've got this amazing partner to support you in every choice you make here on out. You have never been alone, but now you have someone who is along for this journey with you, as your equal, your other half, to help carry your burdens when they bring you down, and also share in your joys when they fill you up so much you feel like you might burst with happiness.

I remember meeting Dakota the night he asked you to be his girlfriend and thinking to myself...jeez this kid keeps calling me ma'am a lot. I remember you telling us all about him, and then when I asked him to sit down and stay awhile at your dinner table, he was so polite and answered every question I asked him..with respect, and honesty. He didn't pull his phone out to text people, and he didn't give me one word answers. After he left, I thought to myself...what a decent guy he was, how polite and hardworking, and how he was respectful to all of us from your mom to your brother, and most importantly, he looked at you like he would sit at that table for hours answering my silly questions, just to spend more time sitting with you.

And that's the most important thing. at the end of the day, you have found something that most people search their entire lives for. I don't think I'm much of a relationship expert, considering my track record isn't stellar... you've seen it yourself-- but I do know what it's like to be in love, to love so deeply it's like you've given a piece of yourself to someone to hold on to because your heart is so full. I believe you and Dakota have found that in each other, and together. You may be young, but that doesn't mean your love isn't any less real than it would be if you were my age. or ten years older than me. I believe that what you have will just grow, and the two of you will grow together, and stronger for it. I so wish I could have been there to witness this day, to stand with the rest of your friends and family and share in your joy. We all wanted to be there, I hope you know that, and understand why we couldn't be. Papi said it himself, as a parent (and a grandparent) you want to be there for all the important things, and even the not so important ones. But especially for the first things, because nothings as special as experiencing your loved ones special moments. And missing his first grandchilds wedding? that was something he never thought he'd have to miss. Please know that our hearts were there, even if we couldn't be.

I am wishing you so many things, more than I could possibly list-- a lifetime of happiness, a home filled with laughter, memories that will carry you through any distance that separates you, hearts that are open to the differences that may arise, kind words that lift you up in the darkest of times, and days that begin and end with you both feeling as in love with each other as you do at this very moment.

Congratulations lovebugs, and welcome to our family Dakota. love you so much! xo

...and somehow that turned into a very long open letter to two people who just taught me a thing or two about what love is supposed to be like. funny how that happens sometimes. join me in sending many happy wishes to the newlyweds :)

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

xo

we have soooooo much in common, really, i swear.

let's talk about that time i joined an online dating site because i know atleast 15 people who have been successful from it and the only guys that messaged me were born the first time bell bottoms were cool or they only have pictures of themselves with their shirts off in the bathroom and use "words" like "ur" and "prolly".

or, the guys i was matched with because we had SO much in common like

....having two eyes and enjoying breathing

who i decided to actually message them, never responded to me.

on second thought, let's just keep this between us.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

xo

Sarah

it's like a free ride, when you've already paid.

saturday night, after a night of relaxing {and indulging in lots some wine} i wrote a post about my imaginary future wedding that'll happen at some point in the next twenty years or maybe never according to my mom during this exchange that took place last weekend during my parents visit.

" Look sarah, a davids bridal!"
"Oh good mom, ill remember to go there when I get married in 10 years."
"10 years...or never. It doesn't happen for everyone but its ok as long as you're happy" ".....wow...thanks mom, so inspiring"

right. so anywayyyyyy.

i wrote my post, published it and went to sleep saturday night.

the next morning, i woke up to find out one of the two great loves of my life

{so far, here's hoping}

had gotten engaged.

ironic?

like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

karma's a bitch.

want to know why i think karma's rubbing it in my face now?

take a trip down memory lane with me here to find out just how awful i really am.

hope you all had a lovely weekend!

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

xo

Sarah

daydreaming

Source: someecards.com via Sarah on Pinterest

i have literally planned my entire wedding out.

the fact that i'm not even in a relationship is irrelevant. pinterest let's me pretend that my (not so) impending nuptials are totally a possibility. it also let's me pretend that I apparently have an unlimited budget.

good thing it'll probably be years before this actually happens, since every so often i change my mind about my theme, colors, location, size..well everything about my wedding.

and then there's the whole part about myy having another persons opinions to consider.

but, a girl can dream right?

right.

wanna see some of my ideas? sure you do :)

Source: stylemepretty.com via Sarah on Pinterest

Source: davidsbridal.com via Sarah on Pinterest

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and most importantly...

going home at the end of it all with your love..

just him & i

Source: morethananimage.com via Sarah on Pinterest

sigh. one day right?

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

xo

Sarah

why i refuse to be a bitter betty

I joined in for a link up hosted by one of my favorite bloggers neely
for many of us little bloggers to introduce our blogs to the world and hopefully make some new friends. We could use a post about anything really --
so I decided what better way to introduce myself to you out there who may stop by and visit,
than to ramble on about my theory on valentines day and being single

so take off your shoes, find a good spot to get comfortable and hopefully you'll stay awhile :)

well, i've been watching the notebook all day today.

legit, atleast three times. and i still stand by my opinion that the book is way better than the movie, (and has a way better ending) but i suppose if you've never read the book then the movie is just lovely but makes my heart sad.

and on that note:

so.. valentines day is coming.

and....

wait for it.....

i'm totally okay with it.

are you shocked? because i'm single?

well don't be.

yes, i'm single. and so what? let's be real, sure i'd love to have a boyfriend to do something special with on this official day of demonstrating your love to a special someone, but just because i don't have that right now does not mean i'm going to be one of those jaded girls who hates everyone who does.

and do you know why?

because i'm not alone. i have people who love me every single day. i have parents who think i could fly if i tried hard enough. i have a brother who tells me jokes about corn because he knows they'll make me laugh. i have a sister who sends me care packages just because. i have good friends and random friends and friends who i haven't spoken to in years but they see something that reminds them of me so they facebook me about it.
i've spent valentines day with boyfriends, with friends and on my own.

this year, i'll be spending v day working at a high school, probably watching teenagers awkwardly show off their flowers, balloons and cheesey gifts to each other while discussing the meaning behind the bear with the "iluvu" heart on it, while i'll be sitting at my desk sipping my coffee and enjoying my valentines day appropriate outfit.

which i've obviously already picked out and have hanging up in my closet.  i might even be coordinating it with a super fantastic red ribboned headband with a giant bow i have...which will do nothing to help in my attempt to look like an adult, and will probably contribute to people thinking im a student hanging out in the faculty lounge.

one of these days ill have someone in my life who will want to show me every day how much they care about me -- maybe by leaving me a note in my bag reminding me to have a good day, or turning my car on for me on a cold morning before i have to leave, telling me i look pretty when i wake up, or noticing the way i changed my hair from my usual, or even texting me just to say they were thinking of me -- and on valentines day maybe we'll do something exciting and special, or maybe we'll just hang out at home and make some dinner and watch a movie

but for now, i'm ok. im going to work on tuesday, going to the gym when i get out,  making something decent for dinner and heading out to an event afterwards at a college down the road to meet a group im hoping to volunteer with.

for those of you who have plans-- with a loved one or friends
(who are also your loved ones i'd like to point out) enjoy and have fun!

if you don't have plans--make some.

do your nails, clean your house, grab drinks with a friend, try that recipe you bookmarked to attempt one day, just please for the love of saint valentine, do something besides feel sorry for yourself and hating everyone you know who is happy in their relationship.

love yourself first. cliche delivered, over and out.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

p.s. if you'd like to learn more about me and my ramblings { click here } for the good stuff, xo

nail polish, sunshine & good coffee: what it's like to have a sister

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did you know i have a sister?

most of the time when i start saying something about my sister people usually say:

"what sister? you have a sister?!"

why, yes, yes i do!

growing up she was like this really cool superstar grown up who'd make guest appearances

 in my little kid bubble of a life.

i remember her taking me trick or treating when i was five, and taking me to the movies.

i remember running into my room and locking myself in once because her and her friend were being mean to me when they were supposed to be babysitting. i remember her big hair and her glasses, and wanting to be just like her.

when i was six and she was 18 she moved to california
and forget it:
 she went straight into celebrity status in my mind.

from then on visits to see my sister all over the country were up there in most awesome highlights of my childhood.

because of her i went on a plane without my parents for the first time. she took me to the santa monica pier. she painted my nails and dyed my hair, and let me have velveeta which was a big nono back home. she made me love MAC's rocker nail polish. she's taught me that plans are just things to deviate from, and that dreams aren't so far fetched no matter how unrealistic they might seem to others. she's taught me how to love unconditionally, how to justify a purchase by breaking down the amount paid by how much it was worth ($100= wear it 100 times= 1.00 per day), how to appreciate a good cup of coffee, and how to make my own curtains, scarves and tons of other things. she has been there for countless late night conversations, welcomes me into her home at a moments notice, never kicks me out long after i've overstayed my welcome, and helped put me back together when i felt like things would never be okay again. she encourages me to order dessert when we go out to eat and never makes me feel like my concerns don't matter. we laugh about rediculous things, discuss the right shoes to go out dancing, and the pros and cons of drastic hair ideas until we either convince ourselves it's a good idea or just do it anyway. we practice taking self portraits whenever the chance comes up and could put most caterers to shame with our meal brainstorms, and packaging ideas.
she was with me when i got my first tattoo, exprienced my first tornado, and the day the world was supposed to end. i have countless memories with her and of her, millions of things i've learned from her, and so many amazing things i could tell you about her.

but that's all you really need to know.
she's my sister and she's amazing.

when i was small, she was a grown up who i was lucky to call my sister.

now we're two girlfriends who are even luckier to call each other sister & friend.

she's my willing listener and advice giver in all things
fashion, love and life related.
but more than that she's one of my best friends,
and my very favorite one and only big sister.

happiest birthday to the prettiest, smartest, most wonderful big sister in the whole world!

love you tiana, xo

revisiting an old gem

Hello, hello to my lovely friends & to the new faces i see over there ---->

I'm thrilled to welcome you to my little piece of the world!

I've started revisiting some of my older posts, from back when only one other person knew I had a blog , and have started re posting them, for my newer followers to read..just because they happen to be some of my favorite posts so far & i'd like to share them with new friends. 

i'll be posting a new post later, no worries, but hope you enjoy this old gem for now: 

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -Carrie Bradshaw

I just woke up in the middle of the night and have a burst of energy and urge to write so here i am! I've had drafts of posts i've begun and haven't finished piling up on here..and they were full of cheerful news and goings on (this post isn't one of them) that I wanted to share but it's been a rough few weeks around my small bubble of those i consider my nearest and dearest so i've gotten sidetracked.. but for once none of the rough patches have anything to do with me specifically. (slight sigh of guilty relief, phewwww).

I've been unlucky to bear witness to the end of one too many relationships these last few weeks (months really) Not all of these relationships were romantic ones, some were years long friendships, some love and devotion from a more than just a pet. Some of these endings were a long time coming, some were taken away suddenly by death, some out of the blue through a conversation that took a sudden turn in a completely wrong direction. I have also witnessed the blossoming of new love, and true love, people taking their first steps into building a new relationship, showing of newly acquired engagement rings, going on first dates, picking out songs for their first dance, even tearing up when i stood on the sidelines among friends as we watched one of our favorite girls slow dance her first dance as a married lady with her brand new husband. I've even witnessed a confession of a betrayal that I have mixed feelings about.

When i hear about a relationship of any kind coming to an end, I always wonder about it. Sometimes the details get inadvertently posted throughout facebook by those who are either too angry, or too hurt to realize they're putting their details up for everyone to see...i know, because at one time I was one of those people..one who was so devastated by the end of what i thought to be my secure future, that i needed everyone to know what had been done to me and to share my hurt with the world, literally telling anyone and everyone who would listen about my heartbreak. Sometimes all the information you get is through the grapevine "oh did you hear so and so broke up? no ones talking about why though..." sometimes you find out awkwardly when you bump into an old acquaintance and ask about their gf/bf and they inform you that the relationship ended at some point and you just didn't get the memo.

I always wonder when a relationship of any kind ends, if those people ever thought to themselves during their last happy moment together "this will be the last good time we see each other" You never really know do you? that this moment will be the last happy memory you'll have with that other person. Really, you never know at any given moment whether or not you'll ever see that person again, whether literally or in that same light because that's just how life is..a big game of chance. I've had those feelings before, when saying goodbye to someone, kissing them and watching them walk away off to work, I've thought to myself "this is the last time I'm going to kiss him goodbye" and it actually really was....

so that brings me back to my point...how do you ever really know? i know you can't start off every friendship, or relationship thinking to yourself, "jeez i'm really going to miss this person when it all falls apart", but really you never really know. there are no guarantees in life, no promises that can't be broken, no way of knowing that a seemingly normal conversation can go so very wrong, that when the person you care about says "i'll see you tomorrow" they actually already know that they won't be doing just that.

It's hard when a relationship ends, of any sort, because you find yourself going back through your time together, replaying every moment, looking, searching really for that one second where everything fell apart, as if you could go back in time and change that second so you could alter the course of what came afterwards. I don't know why we do this (or maybe you don't and it's just me) it's sort of punishing yourself over and over again by remembering all the good things and then being at a complete loss of why this all happened.

It hurts me to watch the people I care about hurt. I want to protect them and wish away the pain of their heartbreak and fast forward to the day when they wake up not hurting anymore and are happy once again. I also wish that for all of us that have ever been hurt in some way, that when that one day finally comes around, not only are we happy once again, but that not even a glimmer of that hurt exists anymore, because as of now, I know that even though I finally came out of my haze of feeling sad and wounded, and am finally smiling again, that every so often, deep down in my soul, I can still feel that hurt keeping me company and reminding me that once upon a time i was betrayed, and taken for granted, and that someone who shouldn't even be a thought in my mind anymore, once thought of me as unimportant.

and quite frankly, who needs that debbie downer of a thought popping up every so often when you're trying to build your future back up? nopee, not this girl.

right, so anyway i wish i could help my lovebugs, protect them from pain and hurt, fast forward to the day when everyone wakes up happy again, and not so sad, and basically live in a world where it's always sunshine and smiles :)

but that's not how life works is it? i know, but a girl can dream. in the meantime, i've given out countless hugs, wrote a thousand texts, made a few phone calls, listened to conversations ranging from the tearful to the angry and every other emotion in between, tried to give good advice when asked for it, attempted to keep my mouth shut when my opinion wasn't asked for, tried to mend fences, reach out to those i've lost contact with, focus on figuring out my own life, sending out funny pictures, jokes and other nonsense to bring a smile out of people even for just a second, and mostly put off blogging in order to sleep unusual amounts because I feel so exhausted all the time.

Did you make it to the end of this semi depressing post? If you did, thanks and sorry :) I promise to be back with a happier post soon, I've had so many good things going on lately, I just needed to get this sad one out for now.

Enjoy your lives kids- your friendships, your families, the people you see every day and almost don't notice. smile like its going out of style, say hello please and thank you, even give out a kind word. everyone is fighting their own battle, a little kindness goes a long way.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams,

Sarah

and some people refuse to settle, for anything less, than butterflies...

Love is like a butterfly;

If you chase it, it will always be beyond your reach.

But if you stand still, then it will come to rest gently on your shoulder.

-unknown

I've pretty much been a little crazy about worrying about my romantic future. I'm afraid that I've got desperate written across my forehead. It may even be possible that I talk about my lack of a love life to anyone and everyone I see on a regular basis. (ok so i basically know i do...but i've been making a conscious effort to stop)

It's just that I thought I'd be married by now, or atleast in a long term relationship with a wonderful man who couldn't wait to spend their life with me and me with them....right. I've been spending so much time worrying and wondering about when I'd meet the man who is going to change my life for the better, make me happier than I've ever been, just sweep me off my feet...I'm also worrying that I've been spending so much time wondering and worrying that I'm forgetting to live in the here and now. The thing is it's a little rough being the single girl among so many happy go lucky, contented coupled people. I don't know where or how to meet someone..the bar scene isnt working out...and I'm not in school anymore...and I don't work somewhere that I'm likely to meet anyone..

Maybe I'm alone here but I'd like to meet a guy who wants to get to know me. Someone who calls just to say hi, and dosen't play games. Someone who has dreams and is doing his best to make them a reality. I'd like to meet someone who sees me across the room and smiles ear to ear. Someone who kisses me often and hugs me without caring who sees. Someone who has family values regardless of what kind of family they come from. Someone who laughs at my jokes and thinks the little quirks I have are adorable even if they are weird. Someone who will fight for me, and stand beside me, who will protect me and defend me. Someone who dosen't push me for more than I'm ready for and understands that I want to take it slow. Someone who would never betray me or take me for granted. Someone who tells me I'm beautiful every day, even when I'm just waking up and have awful bed hair and sleep eyes.Someone who is so amazingly kind, honest, respectful, just good that they make me want to be a better person. Someone who will grab me and spin me around on a dance floor without minding my lack of rythym but loves staying home and snuggling on the couch with me just as much. Someone who is made up of so many things...more than I can write about. Sure there's tons of physical things I'd like in my future love too, but that dosen't really matter. When I meet him, he'll be everything I've ever wanted in a man, and I'll just think to myself "yes, there you are." And he'll be not so perfect, but he'll be perfect for me. Everything I ever thought I wanted in a man, and so many more things I didn't know I was looking for.

So wherever you are my future love, whether you turn out to be the man I marry or just the man who helps me believe in love again, maybe I already know you, or you're just around the corner, I'm waiting for you. No, I'm not idily sitting by waiting for you to show up on my doorstep, not anymore atleast. But I'm waiting for you, with open arms, a funny joke, a heart full of hope, and a mind full of dreams of a future together with you.

be brave loves,

back in the dark ages



via pinterest


So the internet went out randomly in my house three days ago, and I'm pretty much having withdrawals.It's not even like I use it every single day...okay yes I do. I have a major slight addiction to facebook, pinterest and online window shopping and not even having the option to waste hours of my life doing those things in the comfort of my pajamas...i mean home is making me a little nuts. I've had so much to say in just the last few days and wanted to share with you, my real life and bloggy friends, but I've only just today managed to make it to the library after work to take advantage of their free internet and wouldn't you know I left both my laptop and my flash drive sitting in my bedroom. Note to self: Self, get yourself together earlier before you need to house so you can make sure you have everything, and thus aren't writing about your dependency issues regarding modern technology. Not to mention the fact that I need to get myself back on track on the grown up career job hunt. Which so far has been mighty discouraging...to say the least. Where did the last few years go? Why am I suddenly, yet again, finding myself confused about where I want to go in my life, and what I want to do?  Why am I reliving my teenage years at home with my parents, just with a slightly better complexion and no curfew? Why am I handing out congratulations to newly engaged, newly married, newly made parents every single day, all day on my facebook, while I myself am so far behind in all of those aspects..... WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!


Clearly, I am having issues. It's been a rough few days, and I've been having a pity party with only myself on the guest list. I'm venting, and whining, and generally feeling sorry for myself...and even I'm getting tired of hearing myself complain so I don't really blame anyone else who might be either. Well...the days not over yet, so I can still turn it around. No one's going to hire me if they don't know I exist, same goes for my love life. Unless my parents bring back arranged marriages, my prince charming isn't going to show up at my front door looking for me. Don't think my mom won't start trying her hand at match making soon though. She has been known to start up conversations with random young men whenever she encounters them during her work day and commute to and from home, in order to discover if they are single and would like to date her daughter. I'm not kidding even a little bit. Even my dad is now on the quest to see me meet someone. Last week he called me when I was visiting my brother at the bar he works at, to let me know he was going to bed, and to ask if I was going to be bringing a guy home because he was okay with it. Again, I'm not even joking a teeny tiny bit. This is the norm in my house. This is my life.


sigh. sorry about the randomness and general woe is me feeling going on in this post. promise a more upbeat one next time :)

can something go my way this week? maybe? hopefully? 

be brave loves,

i believe...

I believe in love, loyalty, kindness and honor. I believe in being faithful to the person you say you love. I believe in karma and paying it forward. I believe in figuring out your own self worth instead of relying on someone else to figure it out for you. I believe in changing as you grow and growing as you change. I believe that not everyone is born knowing what they want to do for the rest of their lives, and being a free spirit is just fine. I believe in falling in love, often and every day if you can, not just with another person but with yourself as well. I believe in saying please, hello and thank you. I believe that a kind word can change a persons life. I believe that being miserable takes as much energy as being happy. I believe in being a decent person. I believe that I don't need to be casual about my love or my body just to make someone want to be with me. Am I perfect? Not even a little bit. But at least I can look at myself in the mirror everyday and not hate who's looking back at me.

be brave loves,