through the looking glass

i've made it a habit these last few months (...maybe even years) to avoid looking at myself in the mirror
as often as possible.

yep.

last week, i was actually out, went into the womens bathroom and was confronted { smack } right in my face with my reflection, in a giant mirror right when you walked through the door.

i actually did a double take.
was that really me? do i really look like that? is that how other people see me?


to say i was shocked is an understatement. i literally could not believe that the person looking back at me..was actually me.

it's amazing really..or maybe not so much...but i've let myself go. not that i was ever super healthy, or fit, or even in shape...but these last few months that have turned into years i've physically turned into someone i don't even recognize in the mirror.

i get angry and embarrassed when people post pictures of me on facebook. i spend hours thinking of what outfit i can wear to minimize the excess around my stomach or if wearing a strapless dress is really the best choice. i've turned into the girl who makes jokes about her weight so that others won't. i've been known to make a joke about having a tattoo i haven't seen in years because my stomach gets in the way. i wear yoga pants and leggings because i cannot stand that thought of trying on my clothes that no longer fit. i actually am mortified to know that someone within these last few months has seen my body in all it's glory, and cannot for the life of me imagine what they thought when they looked at me
{really, it can't be anything worse than i've been thinking about myself but still...}

on wednesday, i went to the gym with a friend for the first time in i don't even know how long. after working out, sweating, feeling really good about myself and with new plans to start getting in shape and losing weight, we went home and i decided to step on a scale, to see what my official starting point was.

i actually thought i was going to pass out when i saw the number. ill spare you the details,
but, i have never, ever  weighed this much before in my entire life. EVER.


i cried that night. i have no one else to blame but myself for this. i don't work out. i never sleep or sleep too much. i eat at all hours of the day and night, and not healthy choices either.

my bmi classifies me as morbidly obese.
i am 5 feet 1 inch tall.
i am 26 years old.

my body feels like a costume i put on that doesn't fit right.
i have stretch marks in places they don't belong, and have to think twice about wearing a dress somewhere because i might get the elusive "chub rub". i had to bare my stomach for a good twenty minutes the other day (don't ask, totally for a normal reason) in front of my best friends and spent the entire time being embarrassed and hoping they weren't disgusted by my body. i've even become someone who hates shopping because my favorite stores don't carry sizes that fit me anymore.clearly, this is not ok.

i cannot for the life of me understand how i have let things get so out of control.


but this i DO know:

i attended a funeral this weekend of a college friend who died at the age of 26 who did everything right in his life and still got cancer.

i want to live to a very old age, and be surrounded by family members who love me.

i want to be able to run with my kids on a beach.

i want to have kids.

i want to be able to wear a bikini, and feel beautiful and proud of the curves of my body.

i want to take the stairs and not feel out of breath.

i want to be able to run a mile. because i can't right now. i never actually have. and then after that..run two miles...5 miles...10 miles...a marathon.

i want to stand in front of a guy, lights on, middle of the day, whatever... and think to myself he's damn lucky to be seeing me right now, and he sure as hell better think so too.


forget about the fact that i want to fall in love, that i'm almost desperate to (i can admit that about myself).
forget that i want to figure out what it is i want to do with my life.
forget that i happen to think i am pretty, and smart and funny and so many other great things.

because right now all i want is to be healthy. to lose weight for my own health. to be fit. to not feel like im carrying around all the grief and heartache and confusion and self doubt that's been growing inside my head these last few years and apparently growing around all the rest of me as well, weighing me down and making me avoid catching my own eye in the mirror.

i'm not being unrealistic here. i know im not going to grow five more feet,
or look like alessandra ambrosio

Source: google.com via Joanna on Pinterest

or miranda kerr

Source: tired-of-excuses.tumblr.com via Bailey on Pinterest

but...you know..
maybe..i could feel like this girl instead.

Source: google.com via Sarah on Pinterest

...and if i ended up also looking like miranda kerr...well that'd just be a bonus no?
i do happen to be short and adorable..or so i've been told.


SO...anyway....this wasn't meant to be a total woe is me post.
i actually wanted to ask if any of you have any work out ideas for me, machines at the gym you prefer over others, any success stories to pass on to me, changed to my diet you'd recommend...you know anything helpful advice you'd like to share with me, that would be just super :)

with a heart (soon to be a much healthier one!) full of hope
& a mind full of dreams

Sarah 

just a spooooon full of sugarrrrr

so...it's no secret that i have slight add when it comes to finding myself gainful employment.

i just happen to like to do a lot of things. A LOT. i like to consider myself a jack of all trades.

i cook. i read. i write. i craft. i have dance parties.i bake. i sit in the sunshine. i play uno. i love kids. i collect sunglasses. i like to meet people.i bake. i like to buy things. i like to do my nails. i like to hunt for treasure. i like to learn things.

...i like to do a lot. yep. soooo

i have a food service management degree.

i have a resturant management degree.

i have a teaching degree.

...and i would really like to be a modern day mary poppins.

is that ok?

i want to play with kids, and teach them manners, common sense and how to be kind and good.

i want to be a part of what makes them happy. i want to explore and have adventures, and be creative and enjoy life with eyes that see everything as shiny and new and not hard and cruel. i want to do a little bit of everything and not worry about the politics of working in an office or fighting it out to beat someone else for a promotion.

has any one seen that royal pains episode with the nanny who's a superhero for her little charge?

i want to be like that. it's more than just being a babysitter you know. you're making a difference in a child's life.

i have so many dreams and hopes for my future, and i wouldn't mind spending some time doing that. or playing with puppies. or selling cupcakes...or....anything else i like to do.

(i may or may not have been reading a whole lot of books lately too...tomorrow i'll probably want to be a detective or doctor)

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

yayyy

i have internet!

i have cable!

 i have hot water!

and a stove that works!

woooooooooh!!

and now i have SO much to catch you all up on, now that i can blog my little heart off on my own time and not when im sitting on someone else's computer trying to think of something witty to say quickly.

yayyyy, stay tuned!

also, wouldn't you know that i happen to look like the grossest most unattractive version of myself the one time the service man who came to set up my cable was adorable, seemingly normal, and about my age....life.

wompwompwomp

ok, check back later xo

heaven.

today i found out an old friend of mine from college died after a long battle with cancer. 

he was my age. 

and he was one of the greatest, kindest, friendliest guys i have ever known. 

im not just saying that because he's passed, it's the actual truth.

i've been crying all day. 

these last few years since college we haven't been in touch except for the random comments and quick catch up messages on facebook, but it never failed that whenever i heard from him, it brought a smile to my face.

he was eternally optimistic about his future, and never gave up hope of a recovery. 

today, as the news of his death reached our college network, and people who knew him back home, near my own hometown, the sadness everyone felt about losing him was evident. 

so tonight i'd like to ask you all to do this...

be thankful for your lives, for your health, and for the possibilities of the future ahead of you. 

do not take one second of it for granted, live your life to the fullest, enjoy every second of it.

 reach out to people you may have lost touch with, let them know youre thinking of them, let the people in your life know you love them and appreciate them. 

...appreciate everything.

everyone who had the privilege of knowing you was the better for it James. 

may you rest peacefully now and watch over us, xo

winner, winner, chicken dinnerrrr

hiii lovebugs!

time to announce the winner of my giveaway :)

i used random number generator andddddd

congrats to:

drumrolllll please...

#9 Jennifer Delle Fave 
said..." I follow your blog! I love scentsy!! JANUARY 13, 2012 3:59 PM"

yayyyy! enjoy your zebra plug in and central park pralines, let me know how delicious it smells :)

im emailing you now so check your inbox

thank you to all who entered, try again next time

hopefully i'll get my internet up and running soon so i can start blogging on the regular again...

...til then lovebugs xo

thank you, thank you all soo soo much!

Thank you Miss America Pageant for giving me an answer to the never ending question:

Why are you still single? Why aren't you married?:

oh, because i'm still holding out for my shot at 
the Miss America title

thank you, Leslie over at A Blonde Ambition for giving this ideal reply 

as a suggestion to deal with nosy relatives over the holidays

...for me it works year round.

you can totally see it, right? right.

now if you'll excuse me, i must go practice my ugly  pretty cry face, and royal wave.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

p.s. have you entered my giveaway yet? well, you should! go here for details :)

friday randoms

it's 2:30 am and i have tons of randoms i'd like to share with ya'll

{ weird how i just typed said ya'll like i say it on the reg right?} 

yeah...whatev don't judge. or do, because i liked it anyway

one: the current #1 keyword search that directs people to my blog is: "old hooker"
why?


because of this post
with this picture:

weird.

i randomly left my apartment on Monday morning, 

no one {including my roommate} non the wiser

and traveled back home so my parents could take pity on me hacking up a lung while i cough my head off 

and hopefully feed my and do my laundry 

{sidenote: i actually always do my own laundry, because i feel reallllly uncomfortable with having to subject someone else to handle my dirty clothes BUT the laundry room at home is practically outside since it's next to the doggy door so it's usually -58 degrees down there and my dad has rules about us being sick and going down there--thus my laundry got washed for me.....but i did fold it all.
ok spoiled child explanation over.} 

i'm glad to say i have thus far been successful with this plan of mine. 

please keep in mind i moved out of my house officially two weeks ago today...sooo for anyone who's keeping track that makes it less than 14 days i managed to survive "on my own" 

whooops. 

anywayyyyy...

things i've thought about during all the free time i had this week..and last week...you know between job hunting, sleeping, watching every episode of dexter seasons 1-4 and hopping from home to hotel using other peoples hot water { and internet } 

1. i am over skinny jeans. there i said it. the only thing i've decided i actually like skinny jeans for is when wearing knee high boots. besides that i am done with them. which is why i went on a slightly stalker like hunt for some old fashioned flare { apparently now referred to as bootcut} jeans and happily acquired two pairs at old navy. let's be real..unless you're actually someone who looks like a twig, skinny jeans are not universally flattering. #realtalk from the girl who is far from twig status. 

2. old navy jeans are actually fantastic these days. gone are the awkward only two choices to pick from washed out straight legged to the weird ankle jeans. i've been wearing "the flirt" for some time now and my new bootcuts are "the dreamer". which more accurately describes me anyway so wins all around. lucky all you ladies who can afford those sevens and whatnot...i'm ok spending less than $30 on these babies.

3. target boyfriend tshirts are way better than old navy ones..yep. and there you thought i was all over the old navy bandwagon. they're longer, cheaper, and may i dare think even better quality? yep.

4. i haven't worn my hair curly in FOREVER. i dont mean like smooth curly, or even wavy with my straightener, i mean like my natural crazy textured curly. anddd i really didnt realize how short i cut my hair until like...yesterday. my b. time for it to grow super fast now. 

5. why are people so lacking in social graces? i assure you that dropping the f bomb every other word in your conversation does not make you attractive. or make you sound intelligent. or...anything. oh and in case you wanted someone else to back me up on this, no worries. cosmo did in the february issue. or glamour. i forget but i read them both yesterday and one of them totally said it was a major turn off to guys when they meet you. keep it classy, no? toss in some please and thank you's. excuse me's would be nice too. use a softer tone and try the "kill them with kindness" route before the "curse them out and call them names" routine. it's a much better look.

6. speaking of glamour, i stumbled on a blog from a fellow rhody dweller {av}
and her blog {longdistanceloving} where one of her posts the magazine that saved my life
caught my eye. long story {not so} short, an article she read in glamour led her to get a mole checked out and it turned out that she had melanoma as a young twenty something. she had been a regular tanner and sun  worshipper. now i love a tan as much as the next girl, but because of these articles in glamour i quit tanning a little over a year ago...up til then i had religiously been going every single day since college. i'll be the first to admit laying out on the beach all day, or in a tanning bed for however long was relaxing, and some guaranteed time that i would not be bothered by the outside world. i felt better, sometimes napped for a quick minute, and loved how my skin looked.

BUT let's be real. i also have a suspicious mole that caught my eye a few years ago and i was also told to keep an eye on it..and i've also seen similar ones in those glamour articles to the one or two that have me a little worried about. SO i use sunscreen now..seriously. i don't sit out until i look like a lobster. i wear a hat and a cover up. i cringe when i think of the years and years worth of damage ive done to myself every single time i've laid out til i burned. i'll stick to my self tanners, or spray tan or... {gasp} stick with my natural shade... so be careful out there lovebugs.. life's precious enough { and dangerous enough} as is without having to add other ways for it to be cut short...but you know, to each his own.

and..to end off...don't be a fool wrap your tool, never underestimate the power of a good manicure and a kind smile, remember to be extra kind to young children and servers, don't forget everyone else may be fighting a harder battle, wash your hands, chew with your mouth closed, appreciate your hot water and internet, take the stairs instead of the elevator, laugh a lot, if you can make it yourself-don't buy  it, surround yourself with positive people, don't go home with strangers, andddd if anyone has someone lovely they'd like to set me up with in the rhode island/ mass area please help a girl out.

that concludes all the random things i've thought of this week, thanks to my excessive free time, studying of glamour & cosmo, and having access to internet for consecutive hours at a time.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

oh and p.s did you enter my giveaway yet?! 


go { here } for the details!! 

thank you for entertaining my constant ramblings lovebugs!

ok way back when i only had twenty or so followers 
(and was so very happy to have you!) 

Christy  from Sunshine & Pickles approached me about hosting a giveaway

me? host a giveaway? on my little old blog? 

sure why not. 

i'm a sucker for giveaways. i want to win every single one of them. no matter what the prize is i just want to win. when i was little i used to dutifully write out my index cards to send in to teen beat to win whatever random thing they were giving away..

once i won a neutrogena moisturizer and a jonathan taylor thomas tshirt...

highlight of my life. 

it was a sad day when i left it in my gym locker only to discover it was stolen two days later. 

anyway, i digress...now here i am with 60+ followers and it's time to say thank you to you lovebugs!

 for coming back and reading my ramblings day after day, and thinking i was worth getting to know 
{ too bad i can't find some cute guy to feel the same way }:) 

i started blogging, just to get my thoughts out of my own head and now here i am, happily typing away and considering the time i get to sit down and blog my little heart out one of the best parts of my day 

so without furth ado: i give youuuuuu

my very first giveaway!! 

brought to you by the lovely Christy

have any of you heard of Scentsy?


Scentsy is a safe wickless alternative to scented candles which i love because i live in fear that i will burn my house down when i have regular candles lit


i was skeptical about it after having not so much luck with both yankee candle air freshners and bath & body works..BUT now i have been converted!


Christy let me pick a warmer and scent of my choice to try out and get an idea of what Scentsy was all about


i chose the Crinkle full size warmer

and the My Wish Scentsy Bar
  I am SO pleased with my picks! the warmer is gorgeous and looks lovely in my room.Within seconds ( i kid you not) the entire smell and mood of my apartment changed. My home smelled homey, my warmer gives off an welcoming glow and random bonus --it doubles as a night light!! ( because yes, i am 26 and afraid of the dark) 
ok so here's the scoop: Christy offered to give one lucky follower of mine a plug in warmer and scent bar of their choice!
Here are some of my would be picks: 
The Zebra plug in i can think of one..(or ten) ladies i know who would love this one

The Shasta Daisy plug in


Flutter Scent bar Any of the Seven Seas line like Coconut Lemongrass
or Amalfi Coast
anddd pretty much every other scent and warmer there is! 
Wanna win? you know you do!!
Here's what you have to do:
{ Mandatory }
You MUST be a follower of mine on Google Friend Connect ...
i know a whole lot of people read my blog on their own and then let me know through facebook or text which i love, be here look it's easy to follow me on the reg, just click on the button somewhere on that side of my page -------->and leave me a comment letting me know, i love getting comments :) (1 entry)
Head on over to Christy's Scentsy page and look over all the goodies, then leave me a comment telling me which plug in and scent bar you would want if you won (1 entry) 
 Extra Entries:
Go show Christy some blog love over at Sunshine & Pickles! Everyone loves to get support from new smiling faces so follow her, then leave me a comment telling me you did ( 1 Entry)
Follow me on twitter (1 Entry)
Tweet, tweet about it! i even already wrote it out for you :)  and then let me know (1 entry) " check out the @scentsy giveaway @_sarahhelena_ is having onhttp://shadesforeveryadventure.blogspot.com :) gotta be in it to win it! "
This giveaway will be open until next Friday 1/20 then i'll choose a random winner ( with a random # generator) and announce it!
{ Leave each comment separately pleaseso you can get as many entries as possible }

Remember lovebugs, you've gotta be in it to win it :)
this one's worth it, promise anddd you might get a little extra surprise with yours!and if you're like me, youll end up being hooked and send lots of business Christy's way pretty soon, haha
Thanks again Christy!!
with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

never again will i take having hot water for granted

  Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. 

Maybe, you have to let go of who you were 

to become who you will be -- SaTC

Hello, hello my little lovebugs!! and 

welcome to the new faces i see somewhere over there ---->

thanks for visiting me ( and sticking with me!) when i've been so sporadic with my posts lately!

let's play catch up shall we? 

i've been on blogging hiatus for entirely too long and NOT by choice and it's making me oh so very sad..

im literally having withdrawals from not being able to stalk all of you or pin tons of things i think i can make, see, look like, travel to at all hours of the day or night to my hearts content on my pinterest.

i missed out on my favorite link ups, have gotten news about blog friends days later and am overall way behind.

SO sad. 

time for a recap:

i moved. i have experienced some glitches with things i have always expected to have on a daily basis...

such as: cable...internet...hot water...cooking gas..a job.

yes yes i realize cable and internet are actually luxuries but so what? i like having them, and currently do not. 

i also don't want to have them set up yet without being gainfully employed..but working on that theory i should probably also not have rented an apartment and moved to another state for the same reasons. 

apparently my roommate has lived without them for the entire time he's lived in the apt and how he has is beyond me..but maybe he's not as obsessed with pining and other thing i spend hours online doing.

hot water & cooking gas. i do not have these. i haven't since the day i moved in. please take a moment to think that over. due to personal reasons that aren't mine to discuss b/w my roommate and his former roommate, the gas company decided to turn off the gas in our apt. had i fully understood what that meant i probably wouldn't have moved in so quickly...but you know, unless someone has a time machine to lend me there's really no point in dwelling on that....

but please imagine what it's like to a. take a freezing cold shower if you would like to bathe...b. heat up container upon container of water in the microwave until you have enough to clean yourself or c. visit your other friends every day who will take pity on you and let you shower at their homes.

not good. maybe i'm a spoiled brat but i enjoy hot water. and showering daily. and in my own home. sooo this hasn't really helped make my transition as smooth as i would've liked. 

as my brother put it when he came to visit me this past weekend "i showered better in peru and THERE i had to poop in a hole in the ground" 

tmi? maybe. 

and because there's no gas, i can't cook anything, unless it's in the microwave. do you know how annoying it is to go grocery shopping and have to think of only things you can eat as is or in the microwave so you don't waste tons of money on one time only fast food meals? annoying.

also, as the girl who's always sick, i've been sick since before christmas. so for anyone who's counting that's made me have some awful illness every three weeks for the last six months. yep. soo i'm a big baby and ran away from my no hot water home and drove the three hours to go have my parents take care of me at my home home and visit my doctor so he can laugh at me and hear for himself what i sound like...he was impressed. said so himself " you know for a NON smoker, you have a great smokers cough"
(disclaimer: before i re-read this again a few hours later, i didnt notice i left out the NON part in NON smoker. )

thanks doc. now give me more meds. 

so here i am at home, not less than two weeks after i packed my stuff and moved away from it, determined to set out on my own. and even better than that is that i didnt even tell anyone here or there that i was gone. except my roommate who i told after i had already gotten home and that was because i wanted him to eat the already made food that i left so it wouldnt be a total waste.

the ridiculousness of my life right now is not lost on me. 

anywho...what's up with you guys? i hope the new year is treating you all well :)

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

oh and P.S. stay tuned because I'm hosting my very first giveaway during this week!! 

hot food, hot water

hi lovebugs!!

does anyone have any good crock pot recipe suggestions?

i'm having a slight issue with the stove sooo i've been having to be resourceful with eating fresh food or things i can make in the microwave.

then after visiting a friend last night, who made me a delicious dinner using her slow cooker, it occured to me i should start using mine. 

so, any suggestions? 

anyway...whats happening in this new year? 

apparently, the world is going to end (if you believe in those sort of things) so maybe we should make this one count, no?

anyway. i read a lot of new years resolutions and i can't say ive really made any...really every year i say ill do a whole bunch of  things BUT i never do..so i'd rather not disappoint myself with failing in the specifics.

maybe i can just make general statements? 

i...will be happier

i...will be healthier

i...will save more

i...will spend less

i ...will fall in love-- with myself, with my friends, with a boy, with life

i...will appreciate my family 

i...will eat less red meat

i...will be more active

that's all for now :)

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah

ahhhh!! blogger withdrawals!!!

hello, hello lovebugs!!!!!!!

i moved!

i don't have internet!

or an iphone!

so i am having blogger withdrawals!!!

i've missed you!! 

how are you all? how was your new years?! 

mine was fabulous, i wore a very sparkly dress and eventually stopped worrying about how short it was haha. very out of my comfort zone.

see?

i moved to providence, do not have furniture, and am sleeping on a giant queen sized air mattress

i am figuring out my job situation, wondering if i made the right choice and miss my family. 

BUT i am so oddly happy at the same time. i'm a mix of feelings. 

i feel like i'm on vacation and keep expecting to have to go home soon, haha

i've been sick for over a week, so that's kind of a damper, i feel so much better now but have a cough that will not quit. womp. 

pleasee catch me up on your lives!! i'm at my friends house right now using using her internet, so my updates may be spotty for a little while until i get my own set up, but i'm trying my best to catch up on all your going on's. 

Happy 2012 lovebugs!!! i have SO many things planned for this year, i'll be sharing some of that news soon :) 

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams

Sarah