Sunday, October 26, 2014

a story of how we ended up here.

My boyfriend and I have known of each other for the better part of ten years. We randomly worked together in high school (but he really doesn't remember me at all although he pretends to) and he was the younger brother of a friend who worked there to so basically that's how I knew him. I doubt we ever even exchanged a word. A few years later when I moved back home for the first time I remember being desperate for a job and applying for that same job I had in high school. When I showed up for the interview and asked for the manager, he ended up being the one who I spoke to first. I remember saying "oh hey I know you, you're nicks brother" and him looking at me like I had two heads like "nope I have no idea who you are".

About a year and a half ago we randomly became friendly whenever we saw each other at the bar we both frequented a little too often: me, because I had just moved home again for the second time and had no social life to speak of and my brother worked there, him because it's where he went to unwind after working on the weekends. It wasn't a big thing- just two people who sort of knew each other who'd sit together while we waited for other people to show up- his girlfriend, my friends, whoever.

On New Years Eve of this year (my favorite holiday besides Halloween), I wasn't planning on going out. There's something romantic, magical and superstitious about New Years all at the same time: there's something in the air that just smells like new beginnings. My family does the same routines, rituals really, every year for good luck: eat 12 grapes at midnight, carry pennies in your pocket, wear yellow underwear (weird, I know.), make sure your home is clean, your bed is made and surround yourself with loved ones so the year to come you won't be lonely.

Like I said, I wasn't planning on going out. I was going through this moment where even in a room full of people, I always felt alone. But I went out. I wore a dress I'd never wear in real life, put on some heels and went. And now I can't imagine how different my life would have been if I had stayed home.

When people ask how this happened, the two of us getting together- I like to say we just had a moment. A moment where I just sort of thought to myself in the middle of a conversation..."oh...maybe this could work.." When I left I remember telling him id be there that Friday again if maybe he wanted to be there too. On the way home that night I remember telling my brothers girlfriend "you know...I think I might really try something with him".

That Friday was the biggest blizzard we've had all year. It was a snow day at work for me and I wondered if he'd show up that night. He did. I did. I awkwardly asked him to dinner for the next night.

The next night I thought to myself..."no, this isn't going to work" ...but then it did.

Three weeks later we were official. A week after that we both confessed we were in love. We've been inseparable ever since. Six months later we moved in together. Adopted a puppy. Picked out a ring. Planned our life. That's where we are now, planning our life together. The one we have now and the one we will have in the future- together.


We aren't engaged quite yet: my ring is living at the jewelry store being paid off little by little, but here we are just planning away. Because when you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start right away. We aren't following any rules, or going by the book. We aren't very traditional and are doing things all out of order, but that's okay. We're looking at venues and talking about guest lists and explaining to people that I'll be going back to school in January during weekends and vacations so we want to get things done while I have the time. It's not a secret and at the same time it is. Maybe because I'm holding it close to my heart, but also because I don't want to be judged and have that put a negative cloud over our happiness. It's this wonderful bit of our life that we're building up little by little. Adding details, making lists, sharing with others, not sharing at all.

It's a little bit unorthodox. But it works for us. And we're happy. So very, very happy. And even though some people feel the need to tell me they think it's all very weird, or too soon, or any other opinion they feel like sharing, I know that what we have is an equal relationship, an honest one, where we build each other up and truly care about how the other is feeling. We fight, we disagree, we piss each other off. We laugh, we love, we sit quietly and do nothing. We have adventures, and make memories and say things like " when we do this..." instead of " if we do this.." It all just works.


It's a love I've wished for my whole life. Wished, hoped, looked forward to. It's a love I wish for everyone I love, and even for those I don't. It's a love I didn't expect, and didn't prepare for, and every other single clichéd thing I ever heard of or was told before.


It just is. and it's just lovely.


also, I apologize if this post made you want to puke.


with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams,


xo S

Saturday, May 10, 2014

a post

It's the eve of my 29th year, drawing my last 28 years as a growing, changing, random person to an end and bringing a whole new year to begin again. 

Every year as my birthday approaches I struggle and scramble to get my friends together, to make plans, to celebrate my life in some way and every year fewer and fewer people are able to make it, and sometimes...well it all doesn't turn out quite as I picture it. We all have our own lives and commitments and whatever so that's all understandable even if a little part of me feels disappointed even when I know it's unavoidable. So this year you know what my plans are?  I'm having dinner with my parents, brother and my boyfriend at one of our favorite restaurants where I'll undoubtably eat too much and then come home to stuff myself with my traditional carvel cake. And tomorrow for my actual birthday? Hopefully brunch and mini golfing with some batting cages thrown in followed by a nap and some more carvel hopefully all while I'm wearing a rediculous floral crown and a dress, because why not? And that's all okay. It's perfect actually. 

And you know what I realized? I scramble to make these plans because I'm afraid of being forgotten about. I'm afraid people I care about will just forget I exist until I'm just an afterthought to them. Nuts right? But I'm sure deep down everyone's had that thought before. Which is why I try to remind my friends I haven't forgotten about them. I send cards saying hi, words of encouragement, little gifts here and there, a random text...whatever. I don't do it for recognition or for something in return...I just want them to know someone is thinking of them. 

So the thought I had now before I started writing this? I'm getting ready to spend my birthday dinner with the people who have always loved me the most and will never forget me. and our newest addition to the group, a blessing in the form of a guy I didn't know how much I was missing until one day I looked at him and wondered how I ever had a life that didn't have him in it. But that's a post for another day :) 

So here's a toast, to you, to me, to another year on the books and so many more wonderful years to come. 

With a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams 

xo, Sarah

Saturday, January 25, 2014

2014

I don't really believe that things will happen when you stop looking for them, get busy making your own life, put a wish under your pillow or something and all those other cliched things people love to tell their single friends mostly because I've heard too many of them and I know I've been too broken for years to really be ready for any of it. What I do believe though is, one day you can just be doing something completely ordinary and look at the person next to you and think to yourself...yes, this could work. and suddenly it doesn't feel like it's only been days or weeks, just a whole lot of moments blurred together where you realize that you're happier than you've been in a long time and the ache you were carrying around inside you seems to almost have never existed. 



with a heart full of hope (and it's shiny & new!) and a mind full of dreams, 


xo

Sarah