through the looking glass

i've made it a habit these last few months (...maybe even years) to avoid looking at myself in the mirror
as often as possible.

yep.

last week, i was actually out, went into the womens bathroom and was confronted { smack } right in my face with my reflection, in a giant mirror right when you walked through the door.

i actually did a double take.
was that really me? do i really look like that? is that how other people see me?


to say i was shocked is an understatement. i literally could not believe that the person looking back at me..was actually me.

it's amazing really..or maybe not so much...but i've let myself go. not that i was ever super healthy, or fit, or even in shape...but these last few months that have turned into years i've physically turned into someone i don't even recognize in the mirror.

i get angry and embarrassed when people post pictures of me on facebook. i spend hours thinking of what outfit i can wear to minimize the excess around my stomach or if wearing a strapless dress is really the best choice. i've turned into the girl who makes jokes about her weight so that others won't. i've been known to make a joke about having a tattoo i haven't seen in years because my stomach gets in the way. i wear yoga pants and leggings because i cannot stand that thought of trying on my clothes that no longer fit. i actually am mortified to know that someone within these last few months has seen my body in all it's glory, and cannot for the life of me imagine what they thought when they looked at me
{really, it can't be anything worse than i've been thinking about myself but still...}

on wednesday, i went to the gym with a friend for the first time in i don't even know how long. after working out, sweating, feeling really good about myself and with new plans to start getting in shape and losing weight, we went home and i decided to step on a scale, to see what my official starting point was.

i actually thought i was going to pass out when i saw the number. ill spare you the details,
but, i have never, ever  weighed this much before in my entire life. EVER.


i cried that night. i have no one else to blame but myself for this. i don't work out. i never sleep or sleep too much. i eat at all hours of the day and night, and not healthy choices either.

my bmi classifies me as morbidly obese.
i am 5 feet 1 inch tall.
i am 26 years old.

my body feels like a costume i put on that doesn't fit right.
i have stretch marks in places they don't belong, and have to think twice about wearing a dress somewhere because i might get the elusive "chub rub". i had to bare my stomach for a good twenty minutes the other day (don't ask, totally for a normal reason) in front of my best friends and spent the entire time being embarrassed and hoping they weren't disgusted by my body. i've even become someone who hates shopping because my favorite stores don't carry sizes that fit me anymore.clearly, this is not ok.

i cannot for the life of me understand how i have let things get so out of control.


but this i DO know:

i attended a funeral this weekend of a college friend who died at the age of 26 who did everything right in his life and still got cancer.

i want to live to a very old age, and be surrounded by family members who love me.

i want to be able to run with my kids on a beach.

i want to have kids.

i want to be able to wear a bikini, and feel beautiful and proud of the curves of my body.

i want to take the stairs and not feel out of breath.

i want to be able to run a mile. because i can't right now. i never actually have. and then after that..run two miles...5 miles...10 miles...a marathon.

i want to stand in front of a guy, lights on, middle of the day, whatever... and think to myself he's damn lucky to be seeing me right now, and he sure as hell better think so too.


forget about the fact that i want to fall in love, that i'm almost desperate to (i can admit that about myself).
forget that i want to figure out what it is i want to do with my life.
forget that i happen to think i am pretty, and smart and funny and so many other great things.

because right now all i want is to be healthy. to lose weight for my own health. to be fit. to not feel like im carrying around all the grief and heartache and confusion and self doubt that's been growing inside my head these last few years and apparently growing around all the rest of me as well, weighing me down and making me avoid catching my own eye in the mirror.

i'm not being unrealistic here. i know im not going to grow five more feet,
or look like alessandra ambrosio

Source: google.com via Joanna on Pinterest

or miranda kerr

Source: tired-of-excuses.tumblr.com via Bailey on Pinterest

but...you know..
maybe..i could feel like this girl instead.

Source: google.com via Sarah on Pinterest

...and if i ended up also looking like miranda kerr...well that'd just be a bonus no?
i do happen to be short and adorable..or so i've been told.


SO...anyway....this wasn't meant to be a total woe is me post.
i actually wanted to ask if any of you have any work out ideas for me, machines at the gym you prefer over others, any success stories to pass on to me, changed to my diet you'd recommend...you know anything helpful advice you'd like to share with me, that would be just super :)

with a heart (soon to be a much healthier one!) full of hope
& a mind full of dreams

Sarah 

warning: this is not a happy, carefree post.

i am not good at dating. or figuring out guys. or..just plain anything.

in fact i can't even remember the last time i went out on a proper date.

i can count the number of guy ive been involved with on one hand, and im ok with that.

i'm not one of those people who can hook up with random people and be ok with it after.

which is why i don't.

sometimes i wish i could be like that though..enjoy someone else for the time and then part ways, satisfied (hopefully) and on with my day. supply and demand you know?

you have something i want, i have something you want, the end.

sigh.

i'm not casual. i couldn't be even if i tried. and i've tried.

( ok that sounds entirely more inappropriate than it should)

i am too sensitive, take things too personally, am too self conscious.

i blame myself if things don't work out, if a guy who liked me suddenly doesn't anymore, when a relationship ends, when i find out that guy picked someone else over me.

it rarely ever occurs to me to blame him. ever. and i have no idea why.

even when i know that he wasn't right for me, that there was no future there, that i could do better, without fail...i always, every time blame myself for it.

i guess it's because when one guy after another

that you find yourself attracted to, liking, finding interesting, just catching your eye...

picks someone else time and time again, you start to really believe that it is you.

and that's where i am right now.

feeling like i'm never going to be good enough for anyone.

because you know what?

it dosen't really matter that everyone else tells me i can do better than whoever that guy of the moment is...because it turns out that he decided he could do better too.

and the better wasn't me.

that's all it really comes down to really. it dosen't matter how smart i am or how funny or how polite or kind or creative or witty i am. it dosen't matter how many people read my blog to see what i have to say, to read the words that come straight from my heart, to know what i'm thinking when i don't want to say things out loud. it doesn't matter if i color my hair, straighten it, take time to pick out my clothes so i look nice, if i wear makeup  or dont. it dosen't matter if i put out or i don't. it doesn't really matter how good of a person i am because no one wants me. i am no ones first choice. because i'm not the hot girl. i'm not the girl people turn and look at when i walk into a room. i'm not worth getting to know. i'm nothing to every single guy whos looked at me and then walked away from me, every single guy whos ever looked right through me, every single guy whos never given me a second thought

i have friends who tell me i need to be more confident, because confidence is sexy.

well i tried confident, i tried going outside of my usual behavior, acting carefree and just going with the flow..and you know how i apparently came across? "really shy"

seriously?

so let's recap shall we?

if i talk too much, i'm overthinking things.

if i attempt to get to know you, i'm being pushy.

if i ask if you want to get together, im being needy

if i don't try at all, im not interested

if i do fool around, im easy

if i dont, im a prude

if im too smart, im not fun

if im ditsy, im not mature enough

i'm not interesting, im not thin, i dont spend hours in the gym, and i have an opinion about things.

im not the sister my brothers friends ever had a crush on, or found attractive.

guys talk about other girls to me, around me, infront of me as if i am just one of the guys.

i'm apparently not worthy of being respected, or even given a second thought.

i'm crazy, deserve to be walked away from, cheated on, and lied to.

i shouldn't expect a phone call, an invite to go out, or even just a text to say hi.

i should always be wearing my best skinny jeans, my highest heels, have my hair done and be totally okay with someone staring at my chest. I should always be hair free, pimple free and smell nice.

i shouldn't expect anything from anyone, because i should just know that i will always be passed over for someone else.

nevemind that the someone else is a bitch or completely stupid or ten shades of awful.

nope.

i should just expect it.

im tired. im tired of waiting. im tired of playing nice and being happy for everyone else around me.

i'm tired of acting like it's totally ok for people to act as if i am worthless.

because i'm not.

i'm someone who is losing hope.

someone who is starting to believe in the awful things that have been said to me.

someone who thinks that maybe there is something about me that drives people away.

sigh.

and yes, i know how my happiness doesnt depend on a guy, and that one day when i least expect it someone will walk into my life, etc etc sunshine and puppies.

i know all that.

but i have gone to bed cold and lonely one too many times and i miss the feeling of waking up  in someone arms. i miss feeling someone reach for my hand when we're just walking around or coming up behind me for a hug when im making dinner. i miss the little things. i miss them so much it makes my heart ache with the loneliness i feel.

ok im done with my pity party. i just needed to get it out. sorry for being such a downer :(