when words fail, music speaks

Yesterday a song came on the radio as I was driving to work, and as always I reached for the button to change the station. Not because I hate the song, but actually because I love it, loved it, a few months ago- actually almost a year ago, when it seemed to be the perfect song for me. Everything it said was how I was feeling, it was practically as if I had written it myself, just catchier and with phrases I would never actually say outloud. And I loved it.

That's the thing about music though, you can always always always find a song that captures exactly how you feel at any given moment. For me, and I know for most of you, that song becomes a part of how you end up looking back at that moment in your life and maybe like it does for me, ends up being associated with a memory of someone.


Abracadabra: Sugar Ray- It comes on and I can still do the opening moves form Senior Year Battle of the Classes. For someone like me, who was so painfully shy as a child that my parents forced me to take drama classes to help me get over it, participating in battle {voluntarily} was a huge deal. I loved every second of it. I was part of a team, and not only that but it was something that made a whole bunch of people who were aquaintances after spending years in the same classrooms together, walking the same hallways together, actually spend time together and get to know each other. 

Breakfast at Tiffanys: Deep Blue Something- Summer after freshman year, hanging out in my friend S's basement with a bunch of girls who would become my core group throughout my high school years. Height of Napster fame and use. We must've listened to this song a billion times, among so many others, but this one always reminds me of that summer, being innocent and hanging out with my friends getting ready to get on our bikes and ride across town to someone elses house for the afternoon.

Gold Digger: Kanye West & Jamie Foxx- Junior year of college, with my sorority sisters, at Club Prov, celebrating Miss KD's birthday (which also happens to be today ironically, Happy Birthday lady, if youre reading this!) It might be one the greatest memories I have from college. I remember getting out of work and going to meet everyone at dinner, wearing the simplest outfit I could throw together and feeling grimey because I didn't have time to shower and the smell of subway sandwiches was all I could smell. I remember meeting them for dinner, and being the only people in the restaurant, probably 20 of us all at one long table, laughing and feeling like grownups ordering all sorts of martinis and not getting carded. I remember all heading to Prov, knowing my on again off again guy would be there with all his fraternity brothers, and not really worrying about it. I remember dancing like maniacs in a huge group with my sisters and Big B making a fool out of herself and making us all laugh. I remember thinking to myself "these are the moments that matter".

Scar Tissue: Red Hot Chili Peppers- My first real boyfriend playing it on the drums and promising to teach me to play. Hanging out in his garage, one sunny day watching someone do something they loved and knowing he was going to matter to me.

Tiny Dancer: Elton John - Driving around in my best friends boyfriends tiny car, in the backseat with my friends on our way to Big Man on Campus.The boys singing their hearts out to tiny dancer, one of them being my not yet realized crush, and me holding on to the head rest infront of me since I was sitting on someones lap (oh to be young enough to think I was invincible). Deciding to ditch the whole thing and meet up with all their brothers for breakfast instead, a fantastic Sunday.

Is this love: Bob Marley - Slow dancing in my boyfriends bedroom, one weekend when I was visiting and we had spent hours talking our relationship issues to death. Deciding it would be our wedding song. Moving around and around in circles, dancing in our pajamas, thinking that everything would be okay, telling each other that everything would be okay.

Collide: Howie Day- On the way to the drive in, during a summer night in college with my best friends. the windows were down and we started out singing it quietly to ourselves and ended up belting it out over the noise from the open windows.

Since you've been gone: Kelly Clarkson- Nothing like a guys suck song to help a bunch of girls bond together. Junior year again, at S & K's house getting ready to go out with my sisters, 20 of us crowded into their apartment and belting out this song when it came on the playlist. It became our theme song. Kareoke nights, at the clubs, 24/7.



this pic is actually from that night! just found it :)



Rooftops: Lost Prophets- Senior year, living in my apartment with my boyfriend. Nights when we'd be making dinner listening to music and it would come on. He'd crank it up and we'd sing it as loud as we could, across the apartment, feeling every word of the song. Knowing we were really happy being there, just making dinner, the two of us.

Me & Julio Down by the Schoolyard: Paul Simon- Back home again, dancing with my brother in the kitchen, jamming out to the oldies station, while our parents watch us and laugh at us, mostly every time it comes on.

my baby bro and i, we knew how to have a good time

My humps: Black Eyed Peas- I know, sooo cheesy, but utterly fantastic. Reminds me of my best college friends. Dancing like we thought we were so hot, loving this song. Being silly, all dancing together at my one year crossover party.

Rockstar: Nickleback- working at panera in seekonk. after closing we used to bring the radio out to the line and rock out. it was the best job, not because of the work, but because of the people I was glad to be with.

Don't Stop Believing: Journey- College. Every time it came on, no matter who I was with or where I was. Everyone loved this song, everyone sang it simultaneously, and with feeling.

Goodness, I could go on forever really, the number of songs that remind me of something or someone are endless. Sometimes when the song comes on I reach to change it, because sometimes the memories are too hard to deal with, they flood back and the feelings I remember having in them could ruin the rest of my day. At other times, I turn it up and sing along with it like I'm auditioning for American Idol. Music is a tricky thing. It's like a song comes on and suddenly you're like yes! that's exactly how I feel!  The song sticks with you long after the memories have been made. It's why I love it.

oh and that song I heard yesterday that I went to change? What's my name by rihanna & drake. lame I know, but almost a year ago when it came out, it was perfect for what was going on. and it reminds me of someone who even though they turned out to not be what I expected, they ended up being exactly what I needed right then, and that feeling was amazing.

be brave loves,

when i grow up

"Go to college, a university, get a real job..that's what they said to me" -good charlotte

I've been to four colleges, one I've even been to more than once. I have three degrees. I've had 11 majors, countless minors and concentrations, spent too many summers taking four classes at a time and spent a total of seven years as an undergrad. And I still have to go to grad school, but I can't really think about that right now. After all that time and money and too many all nighters to count, an awful internship at the radisson hotel with my best friend, a semester student teaching and working at a restaurant at the same time, I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up.

Seriously, most days I don't have a clue. After participating in a whole bunch of focus groups in high school I wanted to be an advertising genius so I was a communications major. I used to want to open up a cafe, one that people would go to to hang out filled with garage sale finds, good music and awesome food. So I transferred schools and went for a restaurant management degree...but that was right after i had been on the hotel management track. I took event planning classes when I realized I loved planning parties, a travel and tourism class after I had an idea that maybe I could turn my urge to travel into a career...you get my point. In may, I graduated with an elementary education degree after I realized I'd rather be working with kids than running a kitchen, because really I was not good at it.

So here I am now. I work at the same after school program my brother and I went to our entire childhood -I worked the camp version of it this summer. If I could do it full time year round I would. I've applied for teaching jobs and haven't even gotten a call back, but really that's not much of a shock since every other person I know is an unemployed teacher. I wonder if I had gone the culinary track instead if I'd be happier right now, but what's done is done. I like to be able to give kids a place where they can be kids, a safe haven for those who may not have that environment at home...but sometimes the thought of actually being responsible for teaching them curriculum terrifies me. Read them stories, talk about their lives, play games, teach them how to be kind and respectful, how to express themselves, things like that? all that is a piece of cake to me.

im at a crossroads in my life and i'm at a loss on which direction to go towards now. I feel deadlocked in my current place in life because I can't move without money, and I'm not making enough money currently to add up to a savings that makes moving possible. I feel like if I don't move I will never get to where I see myself in life. I've had enough educational and work experience that makes me feel a little entitled to a job I'm qualified for and not one to just get a paycheck from.  I rely on my parents too much when really I'm at an age that I should be able to provide for myself...or atleast thats what I saw myself doing years ago when 26 seemed like almost a lifetime away. I just wish I could wake up and just know what to do, what path to take to get me where I want to be. Some clue as to how I can help myself get back on the right path of feeling hopeful and believing that I can make my dreams a reality.


So what do I want to be when I grow up? I guess I'll let you know when I figure it out.

be brave loves,

sisters by choice, not by blood

A few weekends ago I was lucky to attend the wedding of one of my sorority sisters and had an amazing time :) Some of these girls I haven't seen literally since graduation day 4 years ago, while others I've been able to see every few months or so during random get togethers.

After every occasion while I'm heading back home I always find myself thinking about how much fun I had with those girls, how much I miss our old college adventures, and how much more I would have appreciated  my time with them then if I only had realized how lucky we were then to have the freedom and luxury to be young and carefree --when being a responsible adult seemed so far off into the future, when our biggest decisions were which after hours to head to and figuring a time to meet in chestnuts to have wraps and catch up on life.

Now I know what people think about greek life- the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm not gonna lie, some of it's true, but not all of it. Greek life is not "one size fits all", every organization makes their own choices, whether they admit to them or not. Looking back now on my time as an active member in my sorority, there are experiences I would never take back, and at the same time there are things I wish I had tried to change. To this day I never talk about our rituals and traditions when people ask, because I made a pledge and I honor it. I take pride in those things that bonded us as sisters, not by blood, but by choice. I can honestly say that I made friendships and connections with people in other sororities and fraternities through my involvement in my sorority that led me to meet people I know I can pick up the phone (or more realistically send out a facebook message) to people all over the country who can give me ideas, advice, or even a place to stay in practically every state, and even internationally.

Greek life is not for everyone, don't get me wrong. When you're in college you can meet people anywhere, through clubs, sports teams, in class over a mutual despisement of that annoying kid who thinks he's the only one in the class. For me though, I met some of the greatest people I've ever known. Like any family, it wasn't all hugs and smiles all the time, and not everyone always got along. But like family, I miss their constant presence in my everyday life, I am thrilled when I find out about something wonderful happening in their lives, and I worry when I see one of them struggling. Those women became the family I needed when my family was hours away. They were the ones who saw me change and grow into the woman I became. They knew me when I was learning what kind of person I wanted to be, away from home and the people who had known me my first nineteen years.

Looking back, I learned a lot about myself during those years, and I wouldn't take any of it back. I have my sisters to thank for the memories I carry with me, both the good and bad. If I could tell all those people I met through my sorority-  my own sisters, the sisters of other organizations and the brothers in my favorite fraternities, it would be this: thank you for all being a part of my life when I was figuring out who I was on my own. Thanks for all the nights you let me in with the greek discount to a party, thanks for saving me a seat in the class we had together because you knew I'd be late, thanks for the rides to school, saying hi to me when we passed downtown, always giving me someone to eat lunch with in chestnuts when I wandered in alone. Thanks for giving me the option of always having somewhere to go every day, thanks for every single moment you made me laugh, thanks for the hundreds (probably thousands) of photo ops I have captured on my computer, thanks for being there to pick me up when I was heartbroken, a few drinks in too many, sick, or barely functional from the internship that wouldn't end.Thank you for the good and bad, because without all of it, who knows who I'd be.

Greek life may not be for everyone, but you know what? neither is joining a soccer team, or the school newspaper. some things just work better for some people. for me though? I met many amazing people, and even better than that, I also met some of my best forever friends. My point is, when you have the chance to meet new people, give it a shot despite what other people might say about it. You never know if it might the right fit for you or not. But if youre lucky it might be amazing...so join a club, find a hobby, try out for a team. Whether youre in college or not, no matter what youre age is- take a chance on being a part of something. But if you are in college please please pleaseee, enjoy every single second of it, for yourself, and for all those of us who long for our college days!

And to all my old college friends in greek life: until our next random, or organized meetup, I'm thinking of all of you, with fondness and sending out good wishes to you all wherever you are in this great big world <3

be brave loves,