Tuesday, August 23, 2016

a valuable life

 "Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void. "

-Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail

I've loved writing for as long as I can remember. I can still see myself in my second grade classroom, writing this epic story about a girl on an adventure through the woods and eagerly sitting in the corner waiting, while my peer review partner read my rough draft. I could not wait for her to tell me what she thought, and then just keep going and going and going.

I wanted to be that person, the creative one, the writer-- the person with the power to create something from their imaginations that would transport a reader to another place, another time, allow them to have adventures, new experiences, challenge their every day thoughts and open their mind to something new, something different.

That's what books have always done for me, and in turn the writers themselves.

Anyway, I started this blog years ago at a time when I needed an outlet. Somewhere I could just pour my feelings out onto pages about things I never really felt like anyone was talking about, or at least sharing out loud. For a long time I never even told anyone I had a blog, mostly out of fear of being judged, or even feeling like it was a part of me I wanted to just share anonymously, rather than have people I actually knew get to see a part of me I maybe was not ready to share. Little by little out it came: " I have a blog" became something I actually said to people, shared it, spoke about it.

And then, then it started to get wishy washy. I started following blog trends I saw from other bloggers and lost the point of why I started my own in the first place. I abandoned it. And here I am, haven't written anything meaningful here in my little corner of the world for over a year and barely very much in the months leading up to those post that were few and far between. I am here now again, because I need to be. I need to have more of myself out on a page more than a facebook post can provide me - the good, the bad, and the most random.

If you're still here and maybe still interested in keeping up, then hi, hello! When I started this little blog of mine I was newly turned twenty four, heartbroken, confused about my future, unsure of what lay ahead. So much has happened since then. So, so much. You can go back and read from the beginning if you'd like, or just begin here. If you go back, skip to the really good posts, the ones I poured my heart and soul into, and ignore all the ones filled with random fluff. Not to say just disregard them, just know whatever direction I wanted this space to go in, it wasn't the fluffy post filled kind.

And now..well now I'm thirty one, navigating through my first year of marriage, entering into my fourth year of teaching in my own classroom, taking my thirties one day at a time and all that comes with them. Still asking myself if my life is small, while still being very much valuable. Still a little lost, still filled with many hopes and dreams, still with a need for more-- more joy, more experiences, more fresh air. but here. I am here.

thanks for being here too.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams.

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