Monday, December 12, 2011

warning: this is not a happy, carefree post.



i am not good at dating. or figuring out guys. or..just plain anything.
in fact i can't even remember the last time i went out on a proper date.
i can count the number of guy ive been involved with on one hand, and im ok with that.

i'm not one of those people who can hook up with random people and be ok with it after.

which is why i don't.

sometimes i wish i could be like that though..enjoy someone else for the time and then part ways, satisfied (hopefully) and on with my day. supply and demand you know?
you have something i want, i have something you want, the end.

sigh.

i'm not casual. i couldn't be even if i tried. and i've tried.
( ok that sounds entirely more inappropriate than it should)

i am too sensitive, take things too personally, am too self conscious.

i blame myself if things don't work out, if a guy who liked me suddenly doesn't anymore, when a relationship ends, when i find out that guy picked someone else over me.


it rarely ever occurs to me to blame him. ever. and i have no idea why.
even when i know that he wasn't right for me, that there was no future there, that i could do better, without fail...i always, every time blame myself for it.

i guess it's because when one guy after another
that you find yourself attracted to, liking, finding interesting, just catching your eye...
picks someone else time and time again, you start to really believe that it is you.

and that's where i am right now.
feeling like i'm never going to be good enough for anyone.

because you know what?
it dosen't really matter that everyone else tells me i can do better than whoever that guy of the moment is...because it turns out that he decided he could do better too.

and the better wasn't me.

that's all it really comes down to really. it dosen't matter how smart i am or how funny or how polite or kind or creative or witty i am. it dosen't matter how many people read my blog to see what i have to say, to read the words that come straight from my heart, to know what i'm thinking when i don't want to say things out loud. it doesn't matter if i color my hair, straighten it, take time to pick out my clothes so i look nice, if i wear makeup  or dont. it dosen't matter if i put out or i don't. it doesn't really matter how good of a person i am because no one wants me. i am no ones first choice. because i'm not the hot girl. i'm not the girl people turn and look at when i walk into a room. i'm not worth getting to know. i'm nothing to every single guy whos looked at me and then walked away from me, every single guy whos ever looked right through me, every single guy whos never given me a second thought

i have friends who tell me i need to be more confident, because confidence is sexy.
well i tried confident, i tried going outside of my usual behavior, acting carefree and just going with the flow..and you know how i apparently came across? "really shy"

seriously?


so let's recap shall we?

if i talk too much, i'm overthinking things.
if i attempt to get to know you, i'm being pushy.
if i ask if you want to get together, im being needy
if i don't try at all, im not interested
if i do fool around, im easy
if i dont, im a prude
if im too smart, im not fun
if im ditsy, im not mature enough
i'm not interesting, im not thin, i dont spend hours in the gym, and i have an opinion about things.
im not the sister my brothers friends ever had a crush on, or found attractive.
guys talk about other girls to me, around me, infront of me as if i am just one of the guys.
i'm apparently not worthy of being respected, or even given a second thought.
i'm crazy, deserve to be walked away from, cheated on, and lied to.
i shouldn't expect a phone call, an invite to go out, or even just a text to say hi.
i should always be wearing my best skinny jeans, my highest heels, have my hair done and be totally okay with someone staring at my chest. I should always be hair free, pimple free and smell nice.
i shouldn't expect anything from anyone, because i should just know that i will always be passed over for someone else.

nevemind that the someone else is a bitch or completely stupid or ten shades of awful.

nope.

i should just expect it.

im tired. im tired of waiting. im tired of playing nice and being happy for everyone else around me.
i'm tired of acting like it's totally ok for people to act as if i am worthless.
because i'm not.

i'm someone who is losing hope.
someone who is starting to believe in the awful things that have been said to me.
someone who thinks that maybe there is something about me that drives people away.


sigh.

and yes, i know how my happiness doesnt depend on a guy, and that one day when i least expect it someone will walk into my life, etc etc sunshine and puppies.

i know all that.

but i have gone to bed cold and lonely one too many times and i miss the feeling of waking up  in someone arms. i miss feeling someone reach for my hand when we're just walking around or coming up behind me for a hug when im making dinner. i miss the little things. i miss them so much it makes my heart ache with the loneliness i feel.

ok im done with my pity party. i just needed to get it out. sorry for being such a downer :(






1 comment:

  1. You need a hug. Seriously. I pretty much felt the same way at your exact age. Now, I'm gonna be one of those friends you probably hate secretly, and tell you that it will happen, be patient {blahblahblah}. And, first, you need to be good enough for yourself girl. I was 31 when i met my lomy. If it could happen to me, it will certainly happen for you. Hugs.

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