Thursday, May 24, 2012

..the absence of hope

let's talk about something..depression.

it's something i've struggled with the last few years. it's not something im particularly ashamed of, but it's not something i talk about publicly either.
off and on it's hit me pretty much since i turned twenty. for one reason or another something set me off, and every day it's a struggle for me to not let myself fall down the rabbit hole all over again. a few years back, a little less than two actually, i was pretty close to falling off the deep end.
something awful (awful for me at least) happened and it just threw me off.
i couldn't sleep so i stayed awake all night. i slept all day. i never wanted to leave my house, go to school, i'm pretty sure i was useless at work, i couldn't focus on anything except how totally shattered i felt inside.

some of my friends figured it out and called me, texted me, came to see me as often as they could. others went on with their lives, either not caring about what was happening to me, or trying to work through their own lives without the available time to focus on mine.

i don't blame them. pretty soon even i was tired of myself.
i remember the day i chose to pull myself out of the dark hole of despair i had let myself fall into.

it was september 28th, 2010.

i had spent the weekend away surrounded by my best friends, but i felt totally and completely alone.
i cried so hard driving back home that i had to pull over more than once, so blinded by my tears i couldn't see the steering wheel in front of me, let alone the highway.

so that tuesday, after i didn't go to school for the millionth time, because i was just so miserable, after a day spent on the sofa alternating between crying and sleeping, after a phone call that really just showed me how little i had let myself matter to someone else...i prayed.

for the first time im my entire life, i willingly, and on my own went to my church, the church i grew up going to, and i prayed.

so there i was, alone in a pew, in my empty church and i prayed.

i prayed to god, and i prayed to st jude.

i prayed to be healed, i prayed for direction, i prayed for a sign to give me some hope. i prayed to be healed. i repeated my prayer over and over and over again. i'm not sure how long i sat there, but for the first time in a long time i felt peace come over me. i asked that a candle be lit for me during the next service, in hopes that the faith of others would help heal my soul. to help me find peace and hope inside my mind that felt empty and never ending.

i'm not sure i ever believed in the power of faith before that day.

i'm not sure i believe in it now either.

what i do know, though, is that that time i spent alone in my pew, healed me.

not 100%, not immediately, not completely, but just enough that i knew i would make it. through that night, the next one, and the one after that.

and that's all i really needed. just a push to help put myself back together.

so that's what i did.

now i'm not saying im totally okay these days. maybe one day i'll go get a professional opinion on it, maybe one day i'll need something else to help me on the days i feel dark, but for now i'll just wait it out, try to work it out on my own.

every so often i feel that emptiness creeping its way back out of whatever part of my soul it lives in.

just yesterday i spent the day with a total feeling of despair surrounding me, making me unable to work, unable to talk to anyone, leaving me completely exhausted and yet unable to sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. it comes back every so often depending i guess on what's going on in my life at the moment, and it slithers it's way into all aspects of my life. it immobilizes me. it makes me unable to see all the good in my life and leaves me feeling that i have done nothing right in all the choices I've made. it confuses me. and leaves me feeling all alone in the world, when i know in my heart i'm really not.

i guess my point here is this...if you are someone who sometimes finds themselves struggling with, well just about anything, realize you're not alone. there's nothing wrong with you. you don't have to say you're fine when you're not, or pretend to be completely happy just because everyone expects you to be.

it's ok. you're ok.
all you have to do is not give up and the rest will figure itself out.

and if you need someone to be there, to listen to you, to help you find a glimmer of hope on a dark day, i'm here.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams



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