Tuesday, November 29, 2011

fill up my life with yet to come surprises

I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am.
 I'm making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with
yet-to-come surprises.
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

a few things:

i would like a call back for a job i want in providence...like today.

so that i can move after christmas.

oh what? you didn't know i decided yesterday that i'm moving back to providence?

why yes, i did in fact decide to move back to providence, applied for a bunch of jobs, and scoped out apartments all day yesterday.

i gave my mom a speech about being stuck in a life i didn't choose for myself, while the person who talked me into it isn't even part of my life anymore. i talked about feeling like there is a whole life out there that isn't going to happen if i don't make it happen. i talked about not feeling like an adult at 26, not being able to support myself if i keep depending on my parents, not moving on with my life if i stay here.  i can't live at home forever. i'm not 16 anymore.

i want to be closer to the people i think of first when i have good news, bad news, news that's not important to anyone else, but they know it's important to me. the people who know all the things i've done these last few years, the things i've gone through, the troubles i've survived. the people who showed up when i needed them the most.

i want to make memories and never forget the people that matter to me the most.

i want to wake up in the morning excited to go to work. i want to be surrounded by people who also feel fulfilled by the work they do. i want to make a difference in the life of atleast one child. i want to get a paycheck and know that I earned it, by doing something i love, and that the money isn't even the biggest reward from it.

i want to go grocery shopping and pay for the things i need with the money i made. i want to invite friends over to my house for dinner, drink wine, enjoy each others company. i want to paint my room and get new furniture and put effort into a space that i plan on staying in for a few years, not a few months.

i want to meet someone.
i want someone to meet me and think: "she is someone that i want to get to know"
love at first sight would be nice, but love over time isn't something i'd pass up either.
i want someone in my life who calls that day, sends a message just to say hi, doesn't care about looking too interested, too needy, too desperate.
someone who wants me to know that they are thinking of me.
someone who cares about how i might be feeling.
someone who wonders what i'm doing.
someone good and kind.
someone who works hard and has dreams and goals.
someone who is tall.
someone who cares about their family.
someone who notices the little quirks i have.
someone who surrounds themselves with true friends.
someone who can't wait to introduce me to his friends because he knows theyll love me.
someone who holds my hand when we walk into a room, hugs me without caring who's looking, kisses me on the forehead just because.
someone who looks at me and thinks im beautiful
no matter what i'm wearing, what im doing, where i am.
no matter the size of my jeans or that my stomach isn't flat.
someone who holds me, touches me, looks at me and thinks that i am just perfect,
and perfect for him.
someone who is proud to have me as his own, someone who is grateful every single day for meeting me, someone who never takes me for granted.

i want someone to look at me and see all the things i see in myself,
what my family sees, what my friends see.
i'm funny. i'm witty. sometimes i'm awkward. i'm shy, but i'm outgoing. i'm a good friend and a good person. i'm creative. i'm loving and kind. i'm smart. i surprise myself, and i will surprise you.
i believe in a small gesture meaning more than a grand display. i love to be cuddled.
im passionate. i love, and i love hard.
sometimes i over think things, sometimes i take things to heart.
i'm sensitive, and empathetic.
i care about people, their lives, their struggles.
i want to make a difference in the world.
i write messages in cards, not just sign my name.
i'm short, but just the right size for me. 
the moment i feel the most beautiful on any day is when i wake up- pink cheeks, messy hair, clear eyes.
my favorite feeling is when someone reaches for me: to hold my hand, to hug me, to sleep closer together, to cuddle.
i get a rash on my chest when i'm nervous, upset or excited.
i tear up when i feel like im being attacked, no matter how strong i'm trying to be, no matter how angry i am.
i don't like the dark.
i watch scary movies with the lights on.
i read, and i read a lot.
i have no rythym but i love to dance.
i want people to take the time to get to know me, not just decide i'm not worth it after meeting me only one time.
i don't want to know people who think i'm not worth it.
i want to be loved.

 i want to grow up. take responsibility for my life. make things happen, not just talk about it.
 i want a life im proud of, one i want to share with someone else.
i want to be happy on my own, and be happy with someone else.
i want to fall in love with my life, every single day.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams



  1. Wonderful post!! Congrats on the decision. It sounds like your motivated to make positive changes in your life :)

  2. This is so so beautifully written!! I'll be praying that you get a job there!!


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