I know this may be stating the obvious but I'm a little lost in my life. If you've been catching up with my posts, you can see I mention this uncertainty concerning not only my future, but my current here and now fairly often. Last night I was sitting in my living room reading and my dad was in the adjoining dining room doing a crossword. Those moments are some of the best ones I have with my dad. I like the fact that sometimes we can share a comfortable silence, and we don't need to talk about a million things, we can just share a silent moment both of us doing something that relaxes us. I know he's noticed my lack of motivation, my all around discouragement and confusion in where my life is going, so I've been waiting for him to bring it up. Last night he did: "Sarah, are you ok?"
No dad, I'm not. I'm lost and confused. Where am I going? What am I doing? Who am I supposed to be? When will I meet someone worthwhile? When will the life I imagined I would have start happening?
Every morning I wake up and ask myself these same questions, and really a million more just like them. I'm a worrier, and have panic attacks that make me need to turn on all the lights and find someone to be near me so I know I'm ok. I'm also a dreamer, a girl with such strong wanderlust that I want to just pick up and go, backpack across the world and see everything I possibly can, while I still can. I'm a girl who's wanted to be an astronaut and a veterinarian, a baker and a photographer, a race car driver and a teacher. I'm a girl who wants to lay on the beach in Uruguay and sit in her Yeya's kitchen as many times as possible before she is gone and the chance will pass me by, but I'm also a girl who developed a fear of flying and hasn't gotten on a plane in almost six years. I'm a girl who wants to create a home, build a family and fall in love, but I'm also a girl who wants to find a career that is fulfilling and makes me want to get up and go to work every day. I'm the girl who has a million hopes and dreams, but also is terrified that her life will end in an instant before she can make any of them come true. I'm a girl who wants to go out on her own, live a life that she can be proud of, take every chance possible and make a difference to at least one person, but I'm also a girl who is worried about what may happen to my parents, my brother...myself, if I go too far from home.
So I answered my dad, "no, I'm just a little lost in my life right now..." His answer? "So? let's move, find a job, apply everywhere, get going, but go south, I'll come too".
And you know what? he's right. It really is that simple. What do I have to lose? Nothing. You never gain anything if you don't take a chance, and especially if you don't believe in yourself. And if you don't believe in yourself, why should anybody else? Lucky for me, I won't ever be alone, even if I move across the country, because I have people who believe in me and want to see me be happy and make my dreams a reality.
|my parentals, 2011|
|before I was even a thought in their minds, circa 1983|
That's where my minds been today, thinking about what I can do now, what's my first step. And then I read this post a toast to Ch-ch-ch-anges , and it made me realize that I'm not the only one out there who needed a change, took a risk, and made it happen. Which is why I am up at 4:30 am filling out an application for an opportunity that is out of my comfort zone, but could really change my life if it works out.
Because really...what do I have to lose? Wish me luck.
be brave loves,