when words fail, music speaks

Yesterday a song came on the radio as I was driving to work, and as always I reached for the button to change the station. Not because I hate the song, but actually because I love it, loved it, a few months ago- actually almost a year ago, when it seemed to be the perfect song for me. Everything it said was how I was feeling, it was practically as if I had written it myself, just catchier and with phrases I would never actually say outloud. And I loved it.

That's the thing about music though, you can always always always find a song that captures exactly how you feel at any given moment. For me, and I know for most of you, that song becomes a part of how you end up looking back at that moment in your life and maybe like it does for me, ends up being associated with a memory of someone.


Abracadabra: Sugar Ray- It comes on and I can still do the opening moves form Senior Year Battle of the Classes. For someone like me, who was so painfully shy as a child that my parents forced me to take drama classes to help me get over it, participating in battle {voluntarily} was a huge deal. I loved every second of it. I was part of a team, and not only that but it was something that made a whole bunch of people who were aquaintances after spending years in the same classrooms together, walking the same hallways together, actually spend time together and get to know each other. 

Breakfast at Tiffanys: Deep Blue Something- Summer after freshman year, hanging out in my friend S's basement with a bunch of girls who would become my core group throughout my high school years. Height of Napster fame and use. We must've listened to this song a billion times, among so many others, but this one always reminds me of that summer, being innocent and hanging out with my friends getting ready to get on our bikes and ride across town to someone elses house for the afternoon.

Gold Digger: Kanye West & Jamie Foxx- Junior year of college, with my sorority sisters, at Club Prov, celebrating Miss KD's birthday (which also happens to be today ironically, Happy Birthday lady, if youre reading this!) It might be one the greatest memories I have from college. I remember getting out of work and going to meet everyone at dinner, wearing the simplest outfit I could throw together and feeling grimey because I didn't have time to shower and the smell of subway sandwiches was all I could smell. I remember meeting them for dinner, and being the only people in the restaurant, probably 20 of us all at one long table, laughing and feeling like grownups ordering all sorts of martinis and not getting carded. I remember all heading to Prov, knowing my on again off again guy would be there with all his fraternity brothers, and not really worrying about it. I remember dancing like maniacs in a huge group with my sisters and Big B making a fool out of herself and making us all laugh. I remember thinking to myself "these are the moments that matter".

Scar Tissue: Red Hot Chili Peppers- My first real boyfriend playing it on the drums and promising to teach me to play. Hanging out in his garage, one sunny day watching someone do something they loved and knowing he was going to matter to me.

Tiny Dancer: Elton John - Driving around in my best friends boyfriends tiny car, in the backseat with my friends on our way to Big Man on Campus.The boys singing their hearts out to tiny dancer, one of them being my not yet realized crush, and me holding on to the head rest infront of me since I was sitting on someones lap (oh to be young enough to think I was invincible). Deciding to ditch the whole thing and meet up with all their brothers for breakfast instead, a fantastic Sunday.

Is this love: Bob Marley - Slow dancing in my boyfriends bedroom, one weekend when I was visiting and we had spent hours talking our relationship issues to death. Deciding it would be our wedding song. Moving around and around in circles, dancing in our pajamas, thinking that everything would be okay, telling each other that everything would be okay.

Collide: Howie Day- On the way to the drive in, during a summer night in college with my best friends. the windows were down and we started out singing it quietly to ourselves and ended up belting it out over the noise from the open windows.

Since you've been gone: Kelly Clarkson- Nothing like a guys suck song to help a bunch of girls bond together. Junior year again, at S & K's house getting ready to go out with my sisters, 20 of us crowded into their apartment and belting out this song when it came on the playlist. It became our theme song. Kareoke nights, at the clubs, 24/7.



this pic is actually from that night! just found it :)



Rooftops: Lost Prophets- Senior year, living in my apartment with my boyfriend. Nights when we'd be making dinner listening to music and it would come on. He'd crank it up and we'd sing it as loud as we could, across the apartment, feeling every word of the song. Knowing we were really happy being there, just making dinner, the two of us.

Me & Julio Down by the Schoolyard: Paul Simon- Back home again, dancing with my brother in the kitchen, jamming out to the oldies station, while our parents watch us and laugh at us, mostly every time it comes on.

my baby bro and i, we knew how to have a good time

My humps: Black Eyed Peas- I know, sooo cheesy, but utterly fantastic. Reminds me of my best college friends. Dancing like we thought we were so hot, loving this song. Being silly, all dancing together at my one year crossover party.

Rockstar: Nickleback- working at panera in seekonk. after closing we used to bring the radio out to the line and rock out. it was the best job, not because of the work, but because of the people I was glad to be with.

Don't Stop Believing: Journey- College. Every time it came on, no matter who I was with or where I was. Everyone loved this song, everyone sang it simultaneously, and with feeling.

Goodness, I could go on forever really, the number of songs that remind me of something or someone are endless. Sometimes when the song comes on I reach to change it, because sometimes the memories are too hard to deal with, they flood back and the feelings I remember having in them could ruin the rest of my day. At other times, I turn it up and sing along with it like I'm auditioning for American Idol. Music is a tricky thing. It's like a song comes on and suddenly you're like yes! that's exactly how I feel!  The song sticks with you long after the memories have been made. It's why I love it.

oh and that song I heard yesterday that I went to change? What's my name by rihanna & drake. lame I know, but almost a year ago when it came out, it was perfect for what was going on. and it reminds me of someone who even though they turned out to not be what I expected, they ended up being exactly what I needed right then, and that feeling was amazing.

be brave loves,

tips of the day part 2!

So about a month ago I wrote a post about " my tips of the day". When you end up spending a couple of hours in the car with only yourself for company you find that you can make lists for practically everything by collecting tons of random thoughts you had during a seemingly average day, hence, my tips of the day. So here's my second edition of....(drumroll pleaseeee) Sarah's Tips of the Day! 

#1: be kind to the people who make your food, bag your groceries, and clean your bathrooms. They are providing you a service you’re too lazy to do yourself. Don’t be stingy and don’t feel entitled or you may find a surprise in your salad, a few cracked eggs in the carton, or a strange smell coming from somewhere in your household.


#2: Keep your pda’s and relationship issues to a minimum. If you feel like confessing your love on fb, bbm, twitter, MySpace and basically everywhere else that is a type of public forum---don’t get mad when people comment on your relationship, judge you, or find you annoying. You made it public; I don’t see any reason to expect boundaries on my opinion when you decided to give a play by play of every single cute/wonderful/awful/mean thing your current love has done this week.
 
#3: Be kind, rewind. Return things in the same condition you borrowed them in or better. Nothings worse than reading a book and getting to a page covered in some unknown substance.


#4: Karmas a bitch. Don’t kill spiders, push little children, or cheat on loved ones. One day you’ll wake up with pink eye, a giant pimple on the day of an important event or two flat tires.


#5. For all you “fml”ers out there: stfu...(haha, see what I did there?) Your bad hair day/overslept and late to work/hate for your job/crybaby issues are not that serious. Here’s an idea: be happy you’re alive—it's a privilege denied to many.


#6: if the only time you speak to me is to talk about yourself, your problems, or your amazing life and never ask about mine, I will stop answering you. Enjoy speaking to my voicemail or dead air. Because I'm not texting you back either.


#7: appreciate your parents for one single reason: they wiped your butt for you when you couldn’t. If it wasn’t for them you’d be chilling in your own human excrement. And no one likes the smelly kid. So you don’t have to love them, or even like them, but just remember they cleaned your poop. Unless you had a nanny who did it instead. In that case forget your parents and send that nanny a fruit basket because flowers die and are just useless. (disclaimer here, I hope everyone reading this had good parents, or a guardian or someone to care for them.)


#8: don’t be a fool, wrap your tool. Sure sureee, its all fun and games until someone turns up with a bun in the oven or itchy parts. Take a good long look at that stranger you are about to get naked in front of: do they really look like a good idea? Do you know their first pet’s name, what they wanted to be when they grew up or even if they wash their hands after they use the bathroom? No you don’t know the answers to those questions? So then maybe you should be a big boy or girl and keep your pants on. Use your imagination and call it a day.

That's all for now folks. I've got a pie baking in the oven and my parents just walked in so it's time to serve it up.

Be brave loves,

when i grow up

"Go to college, a university, get a real job..that's what they said to me" -good charlotte

I've been to four colleges, one I've even been to more than once. I have three degrees. I've had 11 majors, countless minors and concentrations, spent too many summers taking four classes at a time and spent a total of seven years as an undergrad. And I still have to go to grad school, but I can't really think about that right now. After all that time and money and too many all nighters to count, an awful internship at the radisson hotel with my best friend, a semester student teaching and working at a restaurant at the same time, I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up.

Seriously, most days I don't have a clue. After participating in a whole bunch of focus groups in high school I wanted to be an advertising genius so I was a communications major. I used to want to open up a cafe, one that people would go to to hang out filled with garage sale finds, good music and awesome food. So I transferred schools and went for a restaurant management degree...but that was right after i had been on the hotel management track. I took event planning classes when I realized I loved planning parties, a travel and tourism class after I had an idea that maybe I could turn my urge to travel into a career...you get my point. In may, I graduated with an elementary education degree after I realized I'd rather be working with kids than running a kitchen, because really I was not good at it.

So here I am now. I work at the same after school program my brother and I went to our entire childhood -I worked the camp version of it this summer. If I could do it full time year round I would. I've applied for teaching jobs and haven't even gotten a call back, but really that's not much of a shock since every other person I know is an unemployed teacher. I wonder if I had gone the culinary track instead if I'd be happier right now, but what's done is done. I like to be able to give kids a place where they can be kids, a safe haven for those who may not have that environment at home...but sometimes the thought of actually being responsible for teaching them curriculum terrifies me. Read them stories, talk about their lives, play games, teach them how to be kind and respectful, how to express themselves, things like that? all that is a piece of cake to me.

im at a crossroads in my life and i'm at a loss on which direction to go towards now. I feel deadlocked in my current place in life because I can't move without money, and I'm not making enough money currently to add up to a savings that makes moving possible. I feel like if I don't move I will never get to where I see myself in life. I've had enough educational and work experience that makes me feel a little entitled to a job I'm qualified for and not one to just get a paycheck from.  I rely on my parents too much when really I'm at an age that I should be able to provide for myself...or atleast thats what I saw myself doing years ago when 26 seemed like almost a lifetime away. I just wish I could wake up and just know what to do, what path to take to get me where I want to be. Some clue as to how I can help myself get back on the right path of feeling hopeful and believing that I can make my dreams a reality.


So what do I want to be when I grow up? I guess I'll let you know when I figure it out.

be brave loves,

If I only knew...

My oldest niece is 17 years old.

Process that for a moment.

I was a celebrity the day she was born, a week after my 9th birthday, when I had the most exciting news to share during our class morning report.

I'm actually closer in age to her than I am with my sister, and when we're all together with my second oldest niece who is 13, the four of us look like a bunch of girlfriends just hanging out...which I'm totally okay with.

my beautiful little loves on their first day of senior/freshman year

Whenever I'm away from them I think about all the things I want to say to them in person, because really there's some conversations that really don't translate over a text. It never fails though, whenever I do get to see them the days fly by; filled with activities, school days, errands, visitors, family dinners, or just quiet moments watching tv together-- and suddenly my visit is over and it's time for me to collect all my things that have found their way scattered around my sisters house, and all those important things I wanted to talk to the girls about got forgotten somewhere along the way.

my big sister and i

us way back

my very first lovebug! my oldest niece

fall festivities with my oldest nieces

17 seems like such a long time ago, a lifetime really, almost a decade.

 I look back at pictures of myself at that age and think about how much I've grown since then, and what I wish I had known back then. I think about the things that were SO important to me then, the people I knew, the friendships I had, the decisions I made, just everything that made up my world back then, and wonder if I would still do everything the same way or if my life would be completely different now if given the chance to go back and do it all again.

prom fashion show

i've thought about it enough, to think of some things I wish someone had told me when I was 17...

(or maybe they did but I was just too much of a teenager to listen)

• You are beautiful exactly as you are. Your hair may be wild, you wear glasses, and sometimes your acne is out of control...but it's ok, it's what makes you, you. and you're beautiful.

• Appreciate your parents while you get to see them every day. You might think you're an almost adult, but you'll realize how much of a child you really are the day you're away from home and get sick for the first time.

• Don't be careless with someone elses heart. and don't let someone else be careless with yours. that boy you love? He's going to teach you about the things you want in a relationship, the things you don't, and will be the basis for every relationship that comes after 
 
 
• Don't share you body with someone if you aren't ready. don't worry about what your friends are doing, what you see on t.v., what everyone else expects to happen when you're surrounded by raging hormones, if you're not ready, youre not ready. but if you do decide to, choose wisely. and be safe.
 
 
 
• Be your own person. try to not be a follower. you want to go away to school and your friends want to stay home? go away anyway. your friends don't like someone and you do? befriend that person anyway. you're friends want to do something you think isn't a good idea? don't do it. it's simple really, even if it seems like the end of your world if you don't do everything your friends do. in a few years those friends you base your life around, only some of them will still be around in ten years. Cherish those people and the memories youll make together, but dont be afraid to take a chance just for yourself.
 
 
 
• Enjoy every single second of your senior year. it's your last real chance at being a kid, surrounded by people who have known you your whole life, or at least the last few years. After this, your friends will each go on their own path and not all of them will return to settle back at home after their college adventures. you're still at a place where you don't have to worry about how you're going to pay off your credit bill this month or interviewing for a grown up job. your senior year will be gone before you know it, so make it count.
 
 
• Think about college, what youre interested in, and what makes you happy. It doesn't hurt to go to a community college and take a bunch of different types of classes to see what really piques your interest. there's few things worse than spending four years (and maybe more) going towards a degree for a job it turns out makes you miserable. Maybe college isn't for you, maybe theres a trade you'd rather turn into a career, or a program you can pursue. whatever it is, explore the hobbies that make you happy, but do something to make them happen. apply for loans, scholarships, anything. make your dreams a reality.
 
 
 
• Be silly, be carefree, laugh a lot, don't let anything bring you down, walk away from people who want to hurt you or disrespect you. be the bigger person, be brave, embrace your personality, your intelligence, your quirks. say no to drugs, get as much fresh air as you can, wear a coat when it's cold and stay away from the tanning beds. exercise, dont drink and drive, run around, drink water. hug your siblings-they were the first friends you ever had- you'll miss not seeing them every day, take lots of pictures, dont sext, especially dont post your every move online, take time to read books, spend time alone, read the newspaper. believe in yourself, stand up for what you believe in, believe in changing the world. make a list of the things you want to do in your life and do your best to make them happen and be able to check them off as you go. embrace the beauty in the world around you. don't smoke. don't think that you'll never survive high school, or that every drama means your life is over. most of all...don't be in such a rush to grow up.

im in the middle, awkward braces and all with my high school best friends

SSSALDJJ <3

there's so much more I'd love to say to my former 17 year old self, the kids i used to know, my five nieces and one nephew who will all one day be 17, the kids who I just supervised over the summer, the kids who I take care of  now who will one day all grow into the teenagers i catch glimpses of on a daily basis...but it's late and my mind is going blank. as always all the things I'd love to say seem to have left my mind, but one of these days ill write them all down, so i can pass it on.

be brave loves,

Soulmates

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.  A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..." -Eat, Pray, Love

I used to have the very strong belief that out there in the big wide world was my one true love, my other half, my soul mate. I read a lot of books with main characters who made a huge life change, up and moved across the world, walked into a random bar, bumped into a stranger on the street and BOOM!-- they literally stumbled upon their one true love. I wondered about it all the time, where in the world was my one? what were they doing at that very moment, what was happening in their life, what choice were they contemplating at that moment that might be the very choice that would lead us to cross paths?

As I got older I began to realize that not everyone has just one soul mate. Not only that but their "soul mate" may not just be their other half, their lover, their greatest love...but you could find your soul mate in a friend- a kindred spirit you didn't know you were looking for until you met them and suddenly a hole you didn't know was waiting to be filled in your soul was suddenly filled up. The quote at the beginning of this post is from Elizabeth Gilberts book, Eat  Pray, Love, and I happen to agree with it more than I can put into words. I have been lucky enough to have met people in my life that I have felt that connection with, have experienced a relationship of some kind that bound us to each other no matter what happened afterwards. Don't take that the wrong way-- I so totally don't mean that sexually. I have met people who understood me, related to me, were from a completely different life than me, have had nothing in common, or a million things in common with me, have known me as well or sometimes even better than I've known myself, just have made an impression on my life in some way and changed me in some way for better or worse.

Not all of those people have stuck around with me all these years, but that's the point of the quote isn't it? Sometimes people are not meant to stay in your life forever. Sometimes they play their part and then move on, leaving you to keep the lesson you learned from that person and take it on with you into your future. Just because someone leaves your life does not necessarily mean it was under bad circumstances although sometimes it does- a break up, a fight- sometimes you just lose touch, miles seem even further away, lives change and things happen.

It is through these experiences with your soul mates that you discover who you are, what you're capable of doing, what you believe in, what you'll stand for and what you'll stand against. These soul mates? They help you find your voice. Some will become the person you choose to spend your life with, others are the friends who carried you when you were too weak to stand on your own, some will be the ones you can go years without speaking to and still when you need them, it's as if no time has gone by, others you may have only known for a brief moment and others still, may have moved on from you, leaving behind their mark on the timeline of your life.

Don't be afraid to find your soul mates out there in this big wide world. You never know, they may be out there looking for you too.

Be brave loves,

keeping yourself company

I read an article in my cosmo the other day about a girl who decided to take a road trip all by herself, and how she had this huge revelation about herself, because she decided to drive through a couple of states on. her. own.

now, while some people were probably super impressed by this adventurous girl, I really wasn't. The simple fact is that I take road trips on my own quite frequently. Not only do I take road trips by myself, but I go to the beach alone, out to restaurants alone, go shopping alone, heck, when the urge even strikes me I go jogging walk around the neighborhood all by my lonesome. I have even contemplated going to the movies: small popcorn and ticket for one, please.

Don't get the wrong idea about me, I'm not a loner without any friends. I have friends, near, far, aquaintances, best friends, school friends, work friends-- you get my point. But I happen to enjoy my own company. Sometimes I don't want someone elses opinion of how a shirt looks on me, and talking my ear off when I just want to be people watching. I don't like to have to go by someone elses schedule or timeline when it isn't necessary. When I head off on a trip, I am thrilled to be alone in my car. I listen to whatever music I want, sing as loud as I want to, stop to look at anything that catches my eye as often as I please, you get my point.

 I am very rarely ever home alone. I have a super close family who always wants to know what I'm doing practically every minute of the day. Since moving back home, I've tried time and time again to convince my parents that it is not ok to just walk into my room whenever they please. I can't have company over without my parents wanting to talk to said person, and god help me if I ever ever ever again find a boyfriend and want to have him spend the night (my parents will forever think of me as their 10 year old baby- despite the obvious fact that I am clearly an adult *or atleast I should be*) You might be reading this and thinking god your family is annoying, but actually I don't think that at all. It's how I grew up, and I'm used to it. I adore my parents, and frankly so does everyone who meets them, and I wouldnt change them for anything. Same goes for my sibs. My younger brother is my best friend and here's hoping the next guy I get involved with is well liked by my baby bro, because if not, well...i've gone down that road before.

Anyway...I digress. My point with that mention of my family is that, at home, I am never alone, ever. That's how my doing things alone started, really. In college I rarely had my dorm room to myself, same thing when I moved into my sorority house. Going out and doing things just with my inner dialouge for company became something I did to get some time alone. I enjoy reading a book at a table for one while eating a a resturant no one I know wants to try out. I like going to a store and deciding to buy a dress, based on my own opinion and no one elses. and road trips?! Forget it...I love it. how do you think I got to my sisters house in virginia beach? I got myself in my car and drove the 9 or so hours it takes to get here. SOLO. BY MYSELF. ON MY OWN...and I loved every second of it. Sure I eventually get bored and need to speak to another person for a bit, so I do. and then off I go again on my solo journey. and you know what? it's a great feeling. i feel accomplished and excited and at peace with my own company...and I'm guessing that's sorta how Amelia Earhart felt the first time she flew solo across the Atlantic, except it was probably wayyy more dramtatic for her, being that she was in a plane and all....without a phone...and roadside stops and music...well you know where i was going with that :)

moral of the story: be your own friend. enjoy your own company. dont be afraid to do something on your own. you can't always be waiting for someone else to decide that they want to see that super cheesy vampire chick flick with you...so go buy your ticket for one and enjoy the fact that no one else will be fighting you for the arm rest or sticking their hands in your popcorn :)

be brave kids,

on a mini vaca during this long weekend, and i dont have a computer for longer than a few minutes so ill be back on tuesday! Enjoy the weekend :)