Sunday, December 4, 2011

alis volat propriis

it's official:

i'm moving.

i haven't gotten a job offer yet, or a definite place to live but those are just details.

it's official because i said so.

it's official because i have my heart set on it.

it's official because of the overwhelming amount of positive reactions
 i've gotten from people i've been away from for far too long.

it's official because all of the things i was counting on here haven't panned out,
or have just fallen through.

it's official because it's about time i make decisions for myself,
take responsiblity for myself,
and move on with my life

my parents disagree.
we will probably end up fighting about this
 until the day i pack up the car, and probably for days and weeks after that.
but i really hope not.

i really hope that after i return from my weekend of interviewing next week,
they've had some sort of revelation.
a change of heart.
their approval matters too much to me to leave with them disappointed in me
their support matters even more.
it may not be the way they would go about doing things
but it's the way i want to do them.

they did make me, after all.
two people who took their own risks way back when and left their countries
without any gurantee that their lives would be any better in this one.

and yet. it was. and it's because they took a chance.
they're just worried.
they want me to be financially secure.
in a career with benefits and a solid schedule.
in the history of my life,
this may be up there in my random acts of rebellion.
i was really a play by the rules kind of teenager.
saying im going to up and move away from them is a pretty big deal.

in my adult life
i job hop. i hobby hop. i dream hop.
it's just how i am
i haven't found my place yet, but i will.

that's all im trying to do here, with this idea of moving.
just find my place in the world.
maybe it'll be in the ocean state,
maybe it won't be.

but i'll never find out if i don't take a chance.

you know what my tattoo says?

alis volat propriis

she flies with her own wings

i got it during a time when i felt like the world was closing in around me.
i was literally engulfed by a feeling i couldn't shake.
an overwhelming sadness that hurt me all the way into my core.
those were the days, weeks,...months really
where everything seemed very bleak.
i worried i would never laugh again.
i would never get myself out of the hole i felt myself sinking further into.

i got it on my wrist as a reminder,
every single day, that i would be ok
that i would pick myself up,
put myself back together
and fly.
reach out as far as i could
and experience every single thing the world had to offer me

on my own.

with my own free will.

with my own wings.

and that's what i'm going to do.

with a heart full of hope & a mind full of dreams



  1. Thank you for your sweet comments. They mean so much to me and it's always nice that there's one other person out there that's going through the same thing.
    I can relate to this post so much. These are the feelings I had when I decided to move away for college. My parents supported me but my dad was so upset with me for leaving. He actually wouldn't even tell me bye the day I packed up and left - not because he was mean, but because it was breaking his heart to see me leave. But getting away for those few years was the BEST thing I could have ever done for myself. It made me grow up and realize so much. It made me become more mature with situations in life and it made me find out how strong I really was.
    So I'm glad you are looking at this move as a leap of faith and I will pray for you often through this journey. I know it's going to be so amazing!
    PS where are you moving to??

  2. Girl I totally understand but remember you have to follow whats in your heart!


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