through the looking glass

i've made it a habit these last few months (...maybe even years) to avoid looking at myself in the mirror
as often as possible.

yep.

last week, i was actually out, went into the womens bathroom and was confronted { smack } right in my face with my reflection, in a giant mirror right when you walked through the door.

i actually did a double take.
was that really me? do i really look like that? is that how other people see me?


to say i was shocked is an understatement. i literally could not believe that the person looking back at me..was actually me.

it's amazing really..or maybe not so much...but i've let myself go. not that i was ever super healthy, or fit, or even in shape...but these last few months that have turned into years i've physically turned into someone i don't even recognize in the mirror.

i get angry and embarrassed when people post pictures of me on facebook. i spend hours thinking of what outfit i can wear to minimize the excess around my stomach or if wearing a strapless dress is really the best choice. i've turned into the girl who makes jokes about her weight so that others won't. i've been known to make a joke about having a tattoo i haven't seen in years because my stomach gets in the way. i wear yoga pants and leggings because i cannot stand that thought of trying on my clothes that no longer fit. i actually am mortified to know that someone within these last few months has seen my body in all it's glory, and cannot for the life of me imagine what they thought when they looked at me
{really, it can't be anything worse than i've been thinking about myself but still...}

on wednesday, i went to the gym with a friend for the first time in i don't even know how long. after working out, sweating, feeling really good about myself and with new plans to start getting in shape and losing weight, we went home and i decided to step on a scale, to see what my official starting point was.

i actually thought i was going to pass out when i saw the number. ill spare you the details,
but, i have never, ever  weighed this much before in my entire life. EVER.


i cried that night. i have no one else to blame but myself for this. i don't work out. i never sleep or sleep too much. i eat at all hours of the day and night, and not healthy choices either.

my bmi classifies me as morbidly obese.
i am 5 feet 1 inch tall.
i am 26 years old.

my body feels like a costume i put on that doesn't fit right.
i have stretch marks in places they don't belong, and have to think twice about wearing a dress somewhere because i might get the elusive "chub rub". i had to bare my stomach for a good twenty minutes the other day (don't ask, totally for a normal reason) in front of my best friends and spent the entire time being embarrassed and hoping they weren't disgusted by my body. i've even become someone who hates shopping because my favorite stores don't carry sizes that fit me anymore.clearly, this is not ok.

i cannot for the life of me understand how i have let things get so out of control.


but this i DO know:

i attended a funeral this weekend of a college friend who died at the age of 26 who did everything right in his life and still got cancer.

i want to live to a very old age, and be surrounded by family members who love me.

i want to be able to run with my kids on a beach.

i want to have kids.

i want to be able to wear a bikini, and feel beautiful and proud of the curves of my body.

i want to take the stairs and not feel out of breath.

i want to be able to run a mile. because i can't right now. i never actually have. and then after that..run two miles...5 miles...10 miles...a marathon.

i want to stand in front of a guy, lights on, middle of the day, whatever... and think to myself he's damn lucky to be seeing me right now, and he sure as hell better think so too.


forget about the fact that i want to fall in love, that i'm almost desperate to (i can admit that about myself).
forget that i want to figure out what it is i want to do with my life.
forget that i happen to think i am pretty, and smart and funny and so many other great things.

because right now all i want is to be healthy. to lose weight for my own health. to be fit. to not feel like im carrying around all the grief and heartache and confusion and self doubt that's been growing inside my head these last few years and apparently growing around all the rest of me as well, weighing me down and making me avoid catching my own eye in the mirror.

i'm not being unrealistic here. i know im not going to grow five more feet,
or look like alessandra ambrosio

Source: google.com via Joanna on Pinterest

or miranda kerr

Source: tired-of-excuses.tumblr.com via Bailey on Pinterest

but...you know..
maybe..i could feel like this girl instead.

Source: google.com via Sarah on Pinterest

...and if i ended up also looking like miranda kerr...well that'd just be a bonus no?
i do happen to be short and adorable..or so i've been told.


SO...anyway....this wasn't meant to be a total woe is me post.
i actually wanted to ask if any of you have any work out ideas for me, machines at the gym you prefer over others, any success stories to pass on to me, changed to my diet you'd recommend...you know anything helpful advice you'd like to share with me, that would be just super :)

with a heart (soon to be a much healthier one!) full of hope
& a mind full of dreams

Sarah